If you were to say to the man in your life, “Honey, we need to talk about our marriage relationship,” what do you think would happen? Dr. Steven Stosny.
He would answer with something like, “I thought you’d never ask!” or, “I’ve been dying to share my feelings about our life together, and I especially want to hear how you feel about us and how you want me to change,” you are luckier than the vast majority of couples.
Most women would expect that their men would get distracted, defensive, irritated, and fidgety, roll their eyes, or shut down completely, and most men would feel like they’re being punished for a crime they didn’t commit. She knows her lines, he knows his, and it always ends up worse than it started. No wonder the five words a man dreads most are, “Honey, we need to talk.”
It turns out that men are right; talking about your marriage relationship is more likely to make it worse than better. Talking about emotions calms women because they get a shot of oxytocin, the bonding chemical, even from a negative interaction. Men don’t want to talk because talking won’t make them feel better.
In fact, it will make them feel worse – they get pumped with unpleasant feeling cortisol in conflictive, emotional talk. Men experience more physiological arousal with more blood flow to their muscles when they have negative emotions. It is physically uncomfortable for them to talk, especially when they feel shame, and they are likely to feel shame when you approach them with anxiety or unhappiness.
How then do you improve your marriage without talking about it? Here are 18 Simple Tips that will Improve Your Marriage;
BE VERY SENSITIVE
Many couples lack the ability to be perceptive. As a man, you must be sensitive to your wife’s needs. She doesn’t have to tell you everything. Watch and observe, be more interested in the psychology of her personality, especially at her sad moments. The same applies to the woman. You need to understand him, what he wants and how he needs them. BE SENSITIVE!
“Perhaps it is our imperfections that make us perfect for one another” – Douglas McGrath. The ability to adapt to each other cannot be overemphasized. Most couples today find it increasingly difficult to adapt to their unfavorable situations and the changing circumstances that come their way. You have to be able to adjust quickly and proffer solutions either as a man or a woman so as to improve your marriage.
BUY ROMANTIC GIFTS
Don’t ask her what she wants. You have to figure it out all by yourself. Pay close attention and buy her romantic gifts irrespective of the price. John K. Lee said – “How much you spend isn’t even the issue. If your partner needs something more practical, get them that, too.” Be romantic!
SHARE INTIMACY In YOUR MARRIAGE
It’s a great thing to emotionally intimate with your spouse. It creates varying experiences in the marriage which work to strengthen the bond between a husband and the wife. Common experiences between two people have a way of making people be of one mind. Out of the experiences, you get to know and understand each other’s cues. “The first time you marry for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship”– Jackie Kennedy.
LITTLE THINGS MATTER
The little things we take for granted matter a lot. Making sure to say “goodnight” “good morning” and “I love you” whenever you need to, kissing, hugging, touching, it’s all very, very important. You can buy your wife a diamond necklace and pearl earrings every day for the next year, but if you don’t have those small gestures of love and warmth, you don’t stand a chance.
When things go awry and wrong, having a positive mindset and not murmuring or complaining will calm the tension. This will go a long in influencing your spouse even when she is not feeling too comfortable. Maintain a positive mindset and you improve your marriage.
DO THE DISHES
There’s an old saying “No man was ever murdered by his wife while doing the dishes”. Not just the dishes, take care of all those little things. Clean the bathroom, vacuum, whatever it is that needs doing. Don’t think you can get away with “I make the money, you clean the house” or vice versa. Help your partner out with their burden.
TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITIES
One of the major challenges couples face is taking responsibilities. Each partner should be ready to take responsibility for his/her action and be able to properly fix any errors without necessitating the complaint or unwarranted talking of the other partner.
It is impossible to truly know your partner’s motivations, reasons, and actions until we look with care and understand the reasons behind his or her actions. You must be able to see from his or her side, try and grasp what your spouse is growing through and you are improving your relationship.
BELIEVE, TRUST AND ASSUME GOOD FAITH
It is always better to assume that your spouse will do the right thing. By all means, use your wits and common sense about what does not feel right because you do not want to be physically abused or emotionally hurt. This improves your marriage!
AVOID UNNECESSARY GAMES
Do not play with one another’s feelings. This does not improve your marriage. Rather, it manipulates your partner and leaves him or her thinking whether the love is no more there, leading them to thoughts of divorce.
DO NOT BE OVER JEALOUS
Someone has said, “If you feel jealous, don’t make a scene”. Jealousy is good, but do not overdo it and create an unnecessary platform. Be assured and contented, knowing for sure that your spouse is faithful. Avoid unwarranted questions!
GIVE HIM/HER A CHANCE TO MISS YOU
Juliette Christian wrote- “When we are in our spouse’s face all the time, we are denying them personal space and worse, we are denying them the chance to miss us”. This does not imply we should take a leave or a month-long vacation but you should give your spouse some distance so as to afford him or her a chance to miss you. Even though improving your marriage entails spending more time with your spouse, allowing him or her to miss you will bring about spending quality time when both of you are back together. It will do a terrific job of effectively improving your marriage.
LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Most couples have higher expectations concerning one thing or another, and when eventually they fall short of expectations, they inevitably lead to disappointment. This brings a complaint, murmuring, mumblings and can even lead to divorce. The solution is to lower your expectations and bring your mind to normalcy, thereby improving your marital relationship.
Patience is an essential ingredient for every relationship to thrive. In times of adverse financial problems or economic challenges that may be detrimental to the success of a present or future plan by either spouse, it is the ability to be calm, cool and collected that keeps the marriage, not talking and complaining. This will improve your marriage.
Most couples today find it difficult to react in a composed and polished manner especially when things go wrong. Simone Raele once said – “We spend too much time over-analyzing, over-thinking and over-reacting”.Stop over reacting and deal with the foolishness. Before you launch into an attack, try to understand the real reason you are angry. You have to try and examine yourself; why does it bother you so much? Don’t neglect the basics. Prioritize your own self-care and it will help in minimizing your overreactions, thereby improving your marriage.
- GET RID OF THE CLUTTER
When life is overly hectic, messy and busy, that chaos inevitably spills over into your marital relationship and affects the home. Try to be very organized, stop adding varieties to your plans or schedules. Try to simplify your life and you will improve your marriage.
STOP KEEPING SCORES
As a final way of improving your marriage without talking about it because the overall success of your marriage will be decided and determined by what you and your spouse do over long periods of time. It is a fact that married couples offend each other every day.
They hurt one another’s feelings and step on each other’s toes. But your marriage will significantly improve if every spouse does not keep scores of every little mistake, error, fault and offense. Rather, rebrand your marriage by incorporating grace, mercy, love and compassion into your relationship.
Every marriage has its own challenges. Unfortunately, many people task themselves in improving or fixing their marriage with murmuring, grumbling, complaining and all other forms of talking, while failing to look at the positives. It is necessary that we remind ourselves all of the qualities which brought you and your spouse together and by so doing, you will be improving your marriage without talking about it.
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