Do you know that you can fix your marriage problems without counseling?
This article was updated on 04/25/2020
Marriage Problems will arise from time to time in your marriage? How you respond will result in a stronger marriage or a breakup.
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Estimates from the CDC indicate the divorce rate across the US to be 2.9 for every 1,000 people.
Your marriage doesn’t have to be included in these statistics. With the right approach, you can fix a marriage that is falling apart.
The first step is recognizing the cause of friction in your marriage. Perhaps it is the children, or you just cannot communicate effectively with each other.
Or, both of you are just lazy, selfish, and have neglected the relationship. Nothing is hard to overcome if you make up your mind to counter it.
Can You Fix a Marriage Without Counseling?
What if you want to fix your marriage problems without counseling? While that might sound counterintuitive, some people feel like that.
The reason could be that the partners aren’t ready to seek professional help for fear of being seen as failures.
In some cases, a spouse is reluctant to visit a therapist. Or, you both feel your problems haven’t reached that level yet.
When you decide not to involve a counselor in your marriage, you should be ready to work hard at it.
You should be patient and willing to work on your issues. Below, we suggest strategies to bring your marriage back to life without involving a therapist.
Reflect On Your Marriage Vows
One of the reasons for seeking marriage help is a total disregard of the vows made to each other.
Many couples tend to forget their promises as soon as they leave the venue of the wedding. To them, vowing to love each other in all circumstances isn’t something they take seriously.
So, when you notice your marriage getting into trouble, reflect on your vows. Do you remember what you promised each other on your wedding day?
You may want to write down your marriage vows before sitting down to reflect on them. When you are through, you will be able to find a solution to your marriage problems.
Writing in marriage.com, registered psychotherapist Ayo Akanbi says marital vows represent a lifelong covenant. That means you should be doing everything you vowed to do.
If “love,” then it should be unconditional. Respect needs to be mutual and honor unconditional.
What Is Your Role In All Of This?
It takes two to tango. In the same way, marital problems can easily be imputed on each one of you. So, what have you done to harm the relationship?
How do you treat your partner? Is he or she the most essential thing in your life or some stranger with whom you share a house? Take time, sit back, and reflect on your role in all of this.
When you discover how your actions or omissions have caused issues, start making amends. You may have to ask for forgiveness from your spouse.
Ask him or her what you can do to make up for your mistakes. Start treating your spouse as the most crucial thing in your life.
He or she will notice the drastic changes in you. Who knows? You might just influence him or her to change for the better.
Vividly Picture the Kind of Marriage You Want
To fix your marriage problems without counseling, you should vividly picture the kind of marriage you want.
That involves forming positive mental images about your expectations in the relationship. In short, you should learn to take advantage of the power of positive thinking.
Dr. Norman Vincent, the author of The Power of Positive Thinking, says changing how you think can be impactful. The good thing is that you can make “thinking positively” a daily habit.
Instead of churning bad memories in your mind over and over again, visualize positive expectations. If you want there to be happiness in the marriage, think about it.
As you keep thinking about these things, you will notice some things you need to change. Perhaps, you need to be thankful more. Or, you need to help with the household chores.
Build a New Interest in the Marriage
One of the major causes of marital problems is the preoccupation with the self. Soon after getting into marriage, many get lost in the “me, myself, and I” mentality.
The problem is individualism, when taken too far, can cause friction in a marriage.
According to a 2014 study published in Frontiers of Psychology, individualism has adverse effects on interpersonal relationships such as marriage.
That is the reason you should cultivate a new interest in your spouse. Start doing the right things like coming home early. Show interest in what your spouse does.
Ask him or her how the day was. Always seek his or her opinion on everything. Ask questions when you have to. Support him or her, even when you don’t feel like it.
That way, you will be able to fix your marriage when trust is broken.
Related Article: 31 Day Marriage Challenge That Will Improve A Marriage.
Reflect On Why Your Marriage Feels Broken
Why is your marriage broken? What could have led to you wanting out of the relationship? Have you grown apart over time? Who cheated?
Did you get too busy with life that you forgot about working on your marriage? To fix a marriage that is falling apart, you need to identify the cause of the problems.
The common cause of relationship issues includes a communication gap, infidelity, lack of affection, and crisis. These issues can significantly damage a relationship.
However, taking measures to fix them is the right thing to do. Yet, that’s only possible if you know the stuff that’s eating into your marriage.
Prioritize Finding Solution to Your Problems
Who doesn’t have marriage problems? The difference is in the priority given by couples to find solutions to their problems.
Those that leave their problems to fester for long will most likely end up in divorce. The rest understand the importance of taking the time to talk to each other.
So, what can you do? Start by turning off the TV and all the other gadgets. Make that a special day when you will talk about nothing else but issues affecting your marriage.
According to the Huffington Post, most couples face eight common problems after ten or more years together. Some become bored with each other, while others no longer have meaningful sex.
Several people even think the marriage impeded some of their goals. They just cannot tolerate each other. The key lies in talking about and finding solutions to the problems.
Learn To Be Intimate All Over Again
After many years of marriage, your sex life might have faded away.
Reasons for that include having kids, health issues, medication side-effects, sleep problems, marriage problems, stress, and so on.
According to sex therapists, lack of intimacy years in a marriage is normal. Yet, it can leave you feeling disconnected and rejected if it persists for a long time.
It takes commitment and hard work to end the sexual dry spells. You have to start by restoring physical contact. Find an excuse every other time to embrace, hug, or kiss.
Don’t make it too superficial since that will only mark you out like someone trying to fake it. If having sex in the bedroom ix becoming boring, change the venue.
Book a hotel room and spend a weekend there by yourself. Always think of creative ways to be more intimate with your spouse.
If you keep doing this, you will certainly fix your marriage problems without counseling.
Clearly Articulate Your Needs to Your Partner
No matter how long the two of you have been married, it is not easy to guess what your partner needs. Neither can he or she think your needs!
If you need anything from your partner, why don’t you tell them about it? Your partner is not a prophet to know what you are thinking.
It may seem like he or she doesn’t care. But what can he do if he is not sure what you want? So, say what you need. Do you want your partner to listen to you more?
Is it a regular date night that you want? Well, articulate it. Spell out your expectations without sounding like you are blaming your spouse.
You will be surprised how much your partner will appreciate your forthrightness. On the contrary, assuming that your spouse knows your needs will only result in the blame game.
No relationship can survive the back and forth between two disgruntled partners.
Have Regular Sessions of Quality Time Together
After many years of marriage, many couples begin taking each other for granted. As psychotherapist Tina Tessina observes, life might have become too routine or there is a major problem.
To fix a marriage that is falling apart, you need to set aside quality time with each other. Tesina recommends doing something radically different.
If you think the kids are becoming a problem, arrange for them to spend the weekend with a relative. Stay at home with your spouse and spend time alone.
Switch off the TV and other electronics. Talk about anything – sex, the in-laws, aging, and so on. Or, go out on a date.
If you love a common thing, talk about the relationship while doing it. With that, you won’t have to go for marriage counseling.
In the process, you will rekindle the feelings you once had for each other for a stronger marriage union.
Talk to Each Other Everyday
Effective communication is the glue that binds partners in a marriage – it works better than the best marriage therapist. So, talk to each other every day.
If you don’t, then it will be difficult for you to overcome other problems you might have. For example, you might be having issues with your finances.
How do you reach an amicable solution without talking to each other? Talking to each other doesn’t mean having dinner in a fancy restaurant.
Instead, it means committing time at least once a day when you can just talk. It could be in the morning before you leave for work or in the evening just before sleeping.
When you do talk, don’t forget to freely express your needs, thoughts, and suggestions. Listen as your partner makes counter-proposals.
Even if you don’t reach an immediate understanding, you will be able to fix your marriage problems without counseling.
Related Article: Here’s 12 Proven Ways To Overcome Marriage Problems.
Take the Lean in Initiating Change
Did you know you can fix a marriage that is falling apart by becoming the change you want? That’s is especially true when your partner appears to not want to try.
It could be he or she is no longer emotionally invested in the marriage. Or, your partner doesn’t care about fixing your marriage problems.
In certain situations, he or she might not want to see go for marriage counseling. You cannot let your marriage go to the dogs if you really care about it. Take the lead in initiating change.
Fix things about your relationship that you haven’t been doing right. Ask him or her out on a date. Appreciate your spouse in the little and big things.
Support them in their pursuits, even if they are personal. With time, you will win over your partner to join you in fixing the marriage.
Touch All the Time
If you want to fix a broken marriage, you should learn to major in the small things. So, simply touch.
It may sound ridiculous, but regular, thoughtful touch is key when it comes to enhancing physical intimacy.
The problem is that most couples tend to touchless as they grow together. How can you touch more in your relationship?
Hold hands more, snuggle on the couch, massage each other, and so on. Romantic touch is important because it enhances communication and strengthens the relationship.
You will feel more connected, even as the attitude towards each improves. The more you do it, the less stressed you will feel.
As your marriage grows stronger, there will be no need for marriage counseling online.
Make a Thoughtful Gift
It is hard to fix your marriage when trust is broken.
There is no way your spouse will sit down to listen to you when you have been lying to him or her. Maybe he or she caught you cheating.
Your spouse needs to have a special kind of grace to forgive you. Even if you aren’t on talking terms, a thoughtful, timely gift can start you off on a good note.
Think about an item that drives him or her crazy and buy it. Importantly, the gift should communicate the kind of love you have for your spouse. If you are doing it, you are alone.
According to statistics available on Finder.com, 181.8 million Americans bought gifts for loved ones on Valentine’s Day 2020. It doesn’t have to be once a year.
Small, thoughtful gifts offered regularly can greatly impact a troubled marriage.
Resolve to Get More Involved
Did you know you can fix your marriage problems without counseling? It all depends on how much you are willing to be involved.
Just like anything else in your life, the things you put much effort into will flourish. When was the last time you visited your spouse at their workplace?
Have you met his or her friends or family members recently? When did you offer to solve their problems? Do you seek and respect each other’s opinions?
Do you really know each other’s interests? How do you do all of that when your marriage is on the rocks?
You have to make deliberate efforts to get more involved in each other’s lives – and your marriage. You will learn to appreciate each other and build your marriage.
Look Deep Inside Yourself
Marriage problems are better handled by looking deep inside you. It is called introspection – a great way of avoiding the blame game.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Tom Jordan says blaming each other for your problems can have serious repercussions on the relationship.
One partner might feel emotionally abused resulting in low self-esteem. Any semblance of intimacy that you might have will be totally extinguished. That’s why self-introspection is important.
As you check your inner being, ask yourself key questions that will lead to self-discovery. Could you be the cause of all the problems in your marriage?
What is the reason you no longer have romance in the relationship? Ponder about things you find most pleasurable about the relationship.
Can you think of anything that makes you unhappy and unsatisfied with your marriage? Which of these things depend on you?
Once you realize where you could be going wrong, take steps to change. Retrace your steps, make it up to your spouse. Who knows the kind of relationship you can have after that?
Go It, Solo
You want to fix your marriage problems without counseling, do you? It sounds counterintuitive when someone tells you to go it solo in restoring your marriage.
It depends on your level of commitment towards the relationship. If you want it bad enough, you will do everything to make it work.
If you have been wishing your spouse was more thankful, why not be the one to start the culture? Do you wish you had more sex?
Why don’t you try initiating it? Or, invite your spouse out for a romantic dinner.
Read books, blogs, and so on to know how to handle some of your issues. With time, your solo efforts will greatly change the trajectory of the relationship. You may seem stupid, but your spouse will thank you in the end.
Freely Discuss the Issues in Your Marriage
The sooner you start discussing the issues affecting your marriage, the sooner you are likely to find a solution. Establish a culture of open communication, where you share about everything.
That way, you will learn about potential problems, long before they become huge. What is open communication? It is a way of speaking to each other while reassuring one another that the other person is listening.
However, you have to know when to talk. For example, you shouldn’t talk about your issues in front of the kids or over the phone to your spouse’s office.
Such matters are better off handled behind closed doors in the confines of your home. When your spouse speaks, respect his or her opinion – no matter how ridiculous it sounds.
It takes a lot of understanding to fix a marriage that is falling apart.
Don’t Focus On the Wrong Questions
Most people end up wondering whether they made a mistake to get married to their spouse. The assumption is always that there is greener grass on the other side of the fence.
However, that isn’t always true. The problems you have with your current spouse are likely to be repeated or get amplified with a new one.
According to marriage fitness expert Mortel Fertel, happiness in marriage is not about finding the right spouse.
Instead, he says you should learn to love the one you married. Only that most people mistakenly think that love is all about feelings. When feelings wane, so does the love they had for their spouses.
The right approach is to view love as a choice you make every day. What problems are greater than your choice to love your spouse, their flaws notwithstanding.
Stop Complaining About Your Problems
Marriages will be troubled in many ways than one. When that happens, it is foolhardy to start sharing your issues with outsiders. Whether friends or family members, don’t tell them about your problems.
Remember, none of them is a qualified marriage therapist. And, they are related to you and not him or her. Lacking in wisdom, they might confront your spouse about the issues you shared with them.
If they offer you any advice, it will be from their personal experience. Or, they won’t care much about your issues. So, what should you do?
Together with your spouse, work to resolve the issues between the two of you. If there are changes you must make, don’t hesitate.
Commit yourself afresh, make new choices, and try everything else that will help you to fix your marriage problems without counseling.
Plan to Spend a Lot of Time Together
The first instinct when your marriage experiences problems are to think of going away for some time. That may not work well for you and your spouse.
When you walk away from marital problems, you only succeed in creating both physical and emotional distance. That is not good, especially when you are trying to resolve the issues between the two of you.
Now that you aren’t going to see a qualified counselor, why don’t you make time to be together? Arrive home at the same time, prepare dinner together, and retire to bed at the same time.
No matter how hard it is to be in the same space with your spouse, every effort you make will eventually pay off. There is no way you can be in the same house daily for months without talking.
Relaunch Your Ambitions, Dreams, and Plans
Marriage can be intense. After the first few years, the two of you are still trying to learn things about each other.
When the children come, you become so engrossed in taking care of them to the extent of forgetting yourself. Problems become many. Your ambitions, plans, and dreams come to an end.
If you want to fix your marriage, you need to relaunch your collective ambitions, dreams, and plans. If you want to start a business, rope your partner into your plans and work together to achieve it.
According to a report appearing in The Telegraph, having shared ambitions will help you prosper together. You have every reason to continue living together when one spouse is supporting the other.
For example, you may want to go back to school for an MBA. Any support you get from your spouse can be a great motivator to rebuild the marriage.
Start Dating All Over Again
When you met for the first time, you dated to know each other better. However, after settling down in marriage, you stopped dating your spouse.
To fix your marriage problems without counseling, you should change that, and quickly enough. According to Grace Cassidy, continuous dating after marriage reminds you of why you loved each other in the first place.
In addition to rekindling feelings you have for each other, dating provides an opportunity to talk. You may discuss anything from intellectually stimulating topics to the weather.
That way, you get to learn how much the two of you have changed since you were married. When you are at home later, you will have a lot to talk about. Besides, it keeps the fire in the relationship burning.
Related Article: 12 Simple Solutions That Will Solve Your Marital Problems.
Reflect On Your Reasons for Falling In Love
There was a time when the two of you were madly in love with each other. Why? Was it his or her looks? What changed that you now have a damaged marriage? Pondering these questions can provide insights into the genesis of your problems.
Possibly, they can help you rediscover the reason you chose him or her for a marriage partner. In the course of the reflection, you will discover that you have gotten too busy to keep loving each other.
The only answer is going back to the basics. Put yourself in the mindset that led you to fall in love. Learn to see your partner in a new light.
What is it that you really love about him or her? Reconnecting with your spouse is all about rediscovering reasons you should be together.
Don’t Think Marital Therapy Will Restore Your Marriage
This may come as a shocker, but marriage counseling doesn’t always work. According to a report in the Huffington Post, most couples seek the services of a marriage counselor when it is too late.
By that time, the marriage is near collapse. Yet, the marriage therapist might not even be qualified to offer such services.
The tragedy is that some counselors do not even know how to diagnose the problem in the marriage. The report quotes a New York Times article about how a couple’s therapy just doesn’t work.
In effect, more than 25 percent of couples attending couple’s therapy broke up after two years. What couples don’t realize is that a counselor can only do for you so much.
It is up to the spouses to take measures to work towards restoring a broken marriage. That calls for behavioral change among the two.
Keep Working on Your Marriage
As you can see, marriage is more work than bliss. Here, we are not talking about work to provide a livelihood for members of the family.
Instead, we are suggesting an ongoing effort to ensure the marriage keeps working as expected. It is an everyday thing that involves both partners working together.
The purpose is to prevent instances of neglect when both of you are pulling in different directions.
Importantly, it involves the small things you do on a daily basis like asking him or her on a date. That way, you will mitigate the ups and downs that tend to affect marriages with each passing day.
You will be able to fix your marriage problems without counseling on a daily basis.
To reiterate, fixing a marriage is hard work, but you can fix your marriage problems without counseling. You have to try out the strategies suggested here daily, without failure.
Dr. Charles H. Browning Ph.D. says that working on your relationship daily is a sure path to a happy relationship.
It is unrealistic to expect your relationship to work out the way it does in movies and fairytales.
In fact, a marriage is like an ever-changing, complex dance. When you meet for the first time, you are totally different in orientation, and so on.
You start living together and the inevitable abrasion happens. Yet, you are still able to find a way to work together.
That indicates the amount of work you should put into the marriage to avoid your clashing personalities from becoming a problem. So, keep going.