Is it possible to be happily married without passion? The overwhelming majority of married couples say “no.” Yet, that’s something that most couples don’t seem to realize.
Married couples often start with lots of passion for each other. Years later, the two get too busy with their careers and kids to bring excitement into the relationship.
Life together becomes a forced routine rather than something they enjoy, leading to unhappiness.
The question is: How do you bring back passion in your marriage?
And this is the answer:
In his book: The Science of Trust, Dr. Gottman advises couples to practice emotional attunement to stay connected when in disagreement.
Emotional attunement is a method of building emotional intimacy by focusing on meeting each other’s needs. At the same time, couples should rekindle their sexual chemistry by holding hands, tender touch, and hugging.
Here is how to rekindle the passion in your marriage:
Change How You Initiate Sex
How have the two of you been initiating sex? Have you been coming on too strong? Or, are you denying your partner each time he or she wants sex? Your approach to starting sex can either turn your partner on or off.
If you come on too strong, your partner may interpret it that you care more about your needs than theirs. Denying your partner, on the other hand, makes you look selfish and uncaring. In the same way, getting into the blame game doesn’t help.
How should you initiate sex?
- Instead of criticizing each other, you should try to mix things up to create more excitement.
- If your partner has been initiating sex, why don’t you take up the mantle for once? It will make you look more desirable instead of always being on the defensive.
- If you have been the aggressive initiator should tone down. Instead of explicitly pursuing sex, try to create the mood by telling your partner, “You’re sexy.”
- Avoid unnecessary critique and making demands for closeness. As David Schnarch says in “Passionate Marriage,” passion in marriage is not forced; it is nurtured.
Allow a Build-Up of Tension
One way to bring passion back into a relationship is to allow the tension to build up. We are not talking about the lousy stress that indicates a conflict in the relationship.
Instead, it is the tension that builds up as you anticipate a reward for some time before receiving it. Luckily, there are many ways you can increase excitement in your relationship.
According to a 2010 Study, prolonged foreplay is essential in not only creating anticipation but also making sex more exciting. You can bring passion to marriage simply by trying the following:
- Taking More Time During Foreplay:
That will heighten the tension and sense of anticipation, helping you get more pleasure from sex.
- Share Your Fantasies:
What are some of the things you wish your spouse did during sex? Tell your partner about these things even as you listen to their fantasies. That way, you can get into sex more prepared to please yourselves.
- Change Location:
You can easily rekindle the passion in your marriage by having sex in a hotel room instead of the usual bedroom.
- Go to a Date Night:
You can start your evenings with a romantic date before sex. That will set you off to a more passionate engagement.
Hold Hands More Often
While some people may view holding hands as an unnecessary public display of affection, it helps rekindle the passion in your marriage. The same applies to touching and hugging. Dr. Kory Floyd says physical touch has the following effects:
- Releasing oxytocin in the brain, making you feel calm and more receptive. Oxytocin is the same hormone released in the human brain during orgasm.
- Lowering stress hormones, reducing the likelihood of conflict in the relationship. That, in turn, promotes passion between the two individuals.
In summary, you should deliberately hold hands when walking together or sitting next to each other. Whenever you bump into each other, touch your spouse. And, don’t wait for a special occasion to hug him or her.
If you do it often, it will become a habit and bring passion to marriage even where it didn’t exist before.
Don’t Allow Routine to Affect Sexual Intimacy
The passion between the two of you could have died because you don’t plan intimate time. To you, sex with your partner is always an afterthought.
When you meet in the bedroom, you cannot stop talking about household chores and relationship problems. With all of these distractions and the stress and strain of everyday life, there is no way you can have sexual arousal.
So, what should you do to rekindle the passion in your marriage?
- Set aside time to be intimate with your partner. It could be two or three evenings in a week, depending on your schedule.
- Avoid talking about your problems or undone chores. If you have issues with the kids, this isn’t the right time to talk about it.
- Find ways of dealing with stress to prevent it from interfering with your intimacy. You could enroll for workouts at the local gym, take on a hobby, or engage in your favorite sport.
Also Related: 15 Ways To Improve Emotional Intimacy In A Marriage.
Focus More on the Affectionate Touch
You can bring passion into a relationship by practicing affectionate touching. This type of touch is different from the mere holding of hands since it is wanted and communicates affection.
Multiple studies in this field indicate that affectionate touching in long-term relationships can draw couples together. When you can’t keep hands off each other, you:
- Fueling Your Bond:
Affectionate touch makes the two of you feel close to each other. That’s because contact from a romantic partner causes the production of oxytocin, a hormone that breeds deep attachment.
- Easing Stress:
Touching also relieves stress by making your body and brain chill out. It causes relaxation, lowering blood pressure and heart rate. That includes massage and touch lovingly.
- Lessening Pain:
Studies show that affectionate touch can ease the pain to a large extend. That means reducing pain that could have reduced the likelihood of the two of you to be loving.
- Promoting Happiness:
Affectionate touch makes you feel relaxed, stimulates feel-good hormones, and makes you happy. In the end, you will have a more affectionate and fulfilling relationship.
Create Time to Spend Together
Many couples focus too much on their careers, kids, and chores that they forget to have a meaningful time together. That’s a big mistake. If you want to rekindle the passion in your marriage, you have to create time to be together.
Try several mutually pleasurable activities, flirt, and court each other all over again. Give each other attention, do things together, and have fun.
Do you remember the things you did at the initial stages of the relationship? Your consistency in making your partner feel special has since waned. You no longer seek to improve your relationship.
Here is a quick list of fun activities you can try as a couple:
- Couple’s massage
- Going on a double date
- Stargazing on a rooftop
- Writing a love letter to each other
- Go to each other’s hometowns
- Watch a new TV series together
- Go for a workout together
- Have a picnic on an afternoon
- Have a movie marathon
- Cook and have dinner together
- Form a karaoke duet
- Volunteer together
- Play mini-golf
- Go to the theater
- Go bowling
- Mountain climb on a weekend
- Take an impromptu road trip
- Ride in a hot air balloon
- Go to the beach
- Have dinner at a fancy restaurant
- Go camping
Practice Emotional Vulnerability during Sex
One of the best ways to connect with a loved one is exhibiting emotional vulnerability. Apart from helping you build trust, emotional vulnerability can bring back passion into a relationship.
Past research into the subject has suggested that people have the best sex with those they share an emotional connection. That’s because building emotional intimacy is one of the best ways to connect with your partner.
It involves sharing your innermost desires, wishes, and fantasies. If you are having showing emotional vulnerability, try the following strategies:
- Let Your Partner Know You Struggle With Vulnerability:
You can start showing vulnerability in your relationship by telling your partner how you struggle with it. If your partner had noticed issues in the past, they would know it wasn’t about them but you.
- Always Tell The Truth When They Ask How You Are:
Ask anyone, “How are you?” and they will say “fine.” To be emotionally vulnerable, you need to be more honest in your answer. If you had a bad day, there’s no need to pretend everything is okay.
- Be Honest With Yourself:
It’s impossible to share what’s on your mind without being honest with yourself. You can try journaling to know how you are feeling. Once you can articulate how you feel to yourself, it becomes easier to open up to your partner.
- Cry, If You Must:
There’s no need for you to hold tears, thinking crying is a sign of weakness. Crying shows you recognize your emotions and are ready to share with your partner.
Have Variation In The Sex You Have.
You can rekindle the passion in your marriage by varying how you have sex. You could try having intimate, highly erotic, loving-tender, or gentle sex. Instead of using just one sex position each time, you should try a different one to spice up things.
Clinical Sexologist, Sex Therapist, and Relationship Counselor Dr. Petra Zebroff identify the following benefits of variety during sex:
- Creating More Sexual Pleasure:
Trying out different types of stimulation creates more sexual pleasure. That’s because it makes the two of you feel less distracted and more confident.
- Easy and Quick Orgasms:
With increased erotic flexibility, it becomes easier to orgasm with your lover. That means trying new sex positions, even if they make you embarrassed.
- Giving Your Partner More Pleasure:
Infusing variety into your sex life can make you a better lover. It reactivates your partner and brings passion to marriage.
- Enabling Sexual Satisfaction: Having more sexual variety opens you up to new and better things. With that, you are likely to have greater sexual satisfaction than before.
Also Related: 21 Practical Ways To Regain Intimacy In Your Marriage.
Remain Curious About Sexual Intimacy.
Just because you have been together for a while doesn’t mean you know everything about each other.
Similarly, it is improbable that you know everything about sexual intimacy. You can bring passion to marriage by maintaining a sense of curiosity about intimacy. That makes it possible to explore new ways to get pleasure from your partner.
Every time you sleep together, it is an opportunity to know each other better. If you keep exploring new things, you will never have to fall into the boring sexual routine that kills passion.
Marriage without passion and intimacy cannot survive. In a long-term relationship, sex brings the two partners together while building a sense of confidence.
Since sex and intimacy is the lifeblood of any relationship, it should be a top priority always. But it isn’t just the physical sex that matters.
The small things you do on a daily basis can determine whether or not you prioritize sex. Try the following:
- Greet and affectionately say goodbye to maintain the bond between the two of you
- Create sex and intimacy goals, putting into consideration each other’s needs
- Explore each other’s fantasies without holding back or looking down upon each other
You can rekindle the passion in marriage by changing how you initiate sex. While at it, you should hold hands more often, allow a build-up of tension, and focus on the affectionate touch.
While at it, you should avoid getting into routine as far as sexual intimacy is concerned. It will help if you create time to spend together, practice emotional vulnerability, and vary your sex styles.
Importantly, you can bring passion back into a relationship by prioritizing sex and being curious about intimacy. That way, you will explore more exciting ways to pleasure each other.
David Smallis the founder and editor of relationshiptips4u. He is a dating, marriage & relationship coach, speaker, and author. Learn more about him here and connect with him on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.
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