When your sex life is good, but you crave great
Photo by Taras Chernus on Unsplash
Sex can be explosive, it can be everything you’ve read about and dreamed about. It’s not a fictitious tale or something unattainable. It’s real and “O” boy is it fun. We have the top tips and tricks that will put you over the edge and change your world.
No one size fits all, so it’s best to try them all! And remember that some of these tips could be outside the norm, talk to your partner and discuss what you’re both comfortable to start with. The key here is to have fun…
1. Change your mindset – tap into some Sex-Positivity.
This truly is the secret to a better sex life. Sex positivity is a journey that each person needs to explore for themselves. The benefits are astounding and if you’re experiencing issues in your love life, this could be the turning point.
“Positive and pleasurable sex requires the active and willing involvement of the mind and body, as well as a heart for some. Often, once the mind is aroused, the physical will follow” – Yael Rosenstock, Author of An Intro-Guide to a Sex-Positive You: Lessons, Tales, and Tips.
Ladies, your mind is powerful, the best sex often starts in your mind. The way you view sex, your partner, your body, can all have a profound effect on your ability to climax.
Use positive sex affirmations during the day, to boost your mentality at night.
Repeat after me:
- Look at me, I am beautiful/sexy/handsome
- I love sex, it blows my mind
- I want sex because I love it
Pro tip: If you’re struggling to climax during sex, imagine your partner as the lead role in your ultimate fantasy. That should tip the scales quickly.
If you don’t have an ultimate fantasy, have a look at tip #7
2. Find Alternative Benefits For Having Sex.
Give sex a secondary function and see how it quickly becomes a necessary pastime.
One of the obvious pros is that sex is a workout! We found this quite ironic – sex burns up to 69 calories in 25 minutes. Want to burn more calories, make it hot and make the sex last longer.
If you need tips on how to make sex last longer, we’ve got you covered in tip #5.
Other alternative benefits to having sex:
It helps you sleep faster by boosting levels of oxytocin (which is responsible for feeling connected to your partner) and it lowers cortisol, a hormone related to the stress response.
Have sex before bed and you’re bound to get better quality sleep.
Master the skills to Build A Stronger Relationship
3. Tap into your Sexual Energy – Harness the Magic.
“Your sexuality isn’t meant to be activated by someone else. You are a fully autonomous, sexual human being with your own needs, your own desires. It’s essentially your job to make sure that you cultivate a relationship with your sexuality.” explains sexuality doula Ev’Yan Whitney.
You have sexual energy. Life throws some hard punches, we’ve all been let down, dumped, rejected. These things can block your sexual energy.
Unleashing your sexual energy is owning it. It’s not something that only comes out when it’s time to have sex, it’s there always and should be.
It’s with you as you sip your coffee in the Starbucks when you brush your teeth as your partner still lies in bed, it’s there as you sing in the shower.
Pro tip: Be mindful of how erotic simple things in life can be. Your senses (sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch) are a gateway to harnessing the magic of your sexual energy.
How you view that intimate moment between two lovers on the street, or when you hear a song you’ve made love to play in the grocery store. Be aware of that moment and use that to channel your power.
Not feeling mindful enough, check out tip #11
4. Escape Your Sexual Comfort Zone.
Familiarity could be holding you back from experiencing true sexual fulfillment. The key to stepping out of your comfort zone is opening up to your partner.
Explore each other, let your guard down and do something mutually consensual that you’d never usually do.
Ways to step out of your comfort zone:
Talk about sex – Talking about what turns you on is difficult, and hearing what your partner is interested in can also be a challenge. However, finding mutual ground to your desired, or even just voicing your desires can be liberating.
Try something new: A new position, room, start are all ways to gently leave your comfort zone, whilst working towards something more daring. Ready to move to the next step check out tip #6.
Pro tip: A great way to let down your guard and discover one of the secrets to a better sex life is mutual masturbation or 69. There is something awkward and electrifying about seeing your partner touch themselves or being in such a vulnerable position as 69.
5. Make Sex Last Longer.
This is key to an even better sex life for those who just climax too quickly (good for you… no need to brag).
If your playtime is cut short, your partner (or yourself) could be missing out on that deep, lingering, mind-blowing climax.
But how to last longer in bed naturally? There are quite a few sexy tricks to try and all of them are sure to make sex last.. and last… and last! Our favorites are:
First off, train for it. This could be quite sexy in itself, every time your partner is about to come, stop dead in your tracks. No one moves! This is quite a bit of power for one person to hold, the slightest Kegel movement could set him off. Meditate on that when you’re working on your sexual energy.
Use a cock ring. This stops blood flow and helps him stay harder for longer.
6. Explore Sex Toys, Lube, and Everything Kinky.
This is gold. If you ever need to reignite the fire, this is where the party’s at. You’ve gone through our steps – your energy is channeled, you’ve opened up, stepped out of your comfort zone and ready for the next step.
Toys are amazing and can add so much fun and excitement to your sex life. Make a day of it to go find toys you both would like – or if a sex shop seems a bit strange, have a box of toys delivered to your door. It comes complete with lube.
Why lube? Why not lube! Think about it, wet is best, even wetter is even better! And if there’s no time for extensive foreplay, lube is your best friend. Add a dash on your everything just before you start (or even better have him use his palm to rub it on you, the equivalent of a female handjob).
And it’s ok to get kinky – give their fingers a sexy lick, touch that other little backend hole as they’re about to climax (it’s electrifying by the way), and explore other kinky little things together. You might just open up a whole new world of fun.
7. Education is key (podcasts, magazines, books, blogs, ethical porn, etc.)
Still a little unsure, get some expert advice…
Talk to a sex therapist – Don’t let that conjure up images of a strange therapist room and an awkward conversation. Times have changed, and sex therapy could be done online from the comfort of your home.
Read the best selling books on sexuality – This is quite specific to your personal journey, your orientation, your thoughts. Explore a few sample books, read online reviews and be open-minded.
Listen to sex podcasts – this can be informative as well as fun. Often podcasts combine education with humor, to keep things light. There is a magnitude to choose from, again knowing your preference is key.
Explore Ethical Porn – Mainstream porn is fun, but in terms of educating ourselves, it’s starting to get a bit boring. Ethical porn exposes people to a variety of fascinating and sometimes intriguing alternatives. It’s diverse and shows sex in its entirety.
8. Get Better at Dirty Talk.
Don’t worry – it’s awkward for everyone, in the beginning, explains Sophia Benoit, sex & relationships columnist in her recent article for GQ magazine.
She recommends pushing through the awkwardness and getting over yourself. The benefits will be worth it.
Use appropriate terminology at first and start small – “I want to fuck you so badly” is just perfect to start with.
“I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.” Unknown.
Focus your dirty talk on:
Urgency – Say what you want and how badly you want it now.
Compliments – Your X makes me so wet / Your Y makes me so hard
9. Turn up the Compliments and you will have a better sex life.
Flattery will get you everywhere! But honestly, an honest compliment goes a long way.
Saying something like
“You look so beautiful right now”
just after sex is magic.
Compliments don’t have to be kept only for the bedroom. Share what you love about your partner during the day to get them turned on.
10. Practice Mindfulness.
Sometimes we are so focused on the pleasure of our partners, that we completely forget what we’re actually doing. We’re being intimate with another person.
Being mindful seems to be one of the hidden secrets to better sex life. A 2017 study showed that women who practice mindfulness experienced improved sexual function and sexual well-being.
Am I being mindful during sex? Have you ever thought about how you look during sex? Or have you ever thought “am I doing this right?”. Then, you could probably benefit from some mindfulness training.
How? You can do meditation. Or if that’s too intense, focus on what you’re doing throughout the day. Notice if your mind wanders. Bring it back to washing the dishes. That’s the first step. Later on, you’ll be able to focus on the sensation of your partner’s tongue on your clit, instead of how long it’s taking. Baby steps.
11. Get better at the Basics.
Do you remember life pre-sex? Things were so simple. Then sex came and all the simple things left the room. It’s time to do a refresher basics course.
Foreplay – Not all men seem to get this, women love foreplay… and after play… all outside play in fact. This is a known fact to all women out there, but just in case you’re a skeptic, there’s a study. So make things last longer in bed naturally by increasing the time you spend playing together.
Kissing – key component in foreplay, but also very important in daily life. Make sure you kiss your partner often and not only on the lips.
Oral sex – Upgrade on the kissing, practice oral sex with the end goal not being climax. Oral sex should be sexy, an absolute turn on. For him, it’s that switch for getting hard, for her it’s lubrication and stimulation.
Tip: Start with her panty still on – slipping your tongue sneakily around the edges.
Touching – Mutual touch is such a basic human need, find a touch that turns your partner on. Start at the nape of the neck, running your hand down their back and then a swift slap of the butt.
Use touch extensively during sex, that’s why their called love handles, they want to be held! Cup her breasts, lightly tap his Perineum as he’s about to come.
Cuddle & pillow talk – Many people underestimate the importance of cuddling after sex. However, a recent study proved that post-sex cuddling was the make or break in a relationship. So slow down after sex and hold each other. The benefits will speak for themselves.
12. For The Best Sex – Don’t Have Sex!!!
Yes, you heard us right, sometimes the best solution to racier sex life is hitting the reset button.
We don’t mean not being sexual, but depending on where you are personally it could mean different things.
It could be a week of intimate massages, a bonding experience, and boosting intimacy before going back and exploring everything that will improve your love life.
Take time to practice all the above tips, doing research, being mindful, practicing cuddle time and pillow talk. Talk dirty, work each other up. Touch, caress kiss, just no sex.
Note – don’t use this to spite your partner, this should be a mindful intention to improve and be agreed upon together.
Use this time to boost intimacy, and you will reap the rewards.
13. Try Sexual Adventurism.
A Quickie is definitely no a way to make sex last longer, but the explosive excitement of having sex where you shouldn’t be having it could be enough to get that spark back.
A meager 21% of Americans admitted to “doing it” in a public space (compared to 66% of Norwegians) as reported in a 2002 public survey conducted by Harlequin Romance Novels.
Not sure how to be a sex adventurer? Try the old classics, the kitchen, living room, or the laundry. Get even riskier by doing it in a (clean) public bathroom, or touching and kissing in a public space.
Apparently, brain-imaging research suggests that parts of the brain associated with pleasure exhibit a much stronger response to unexpected pleasure compared with predictable pleasure.
Related Article: 45 Sex Games for Couples to Play in Bedroom.
14. Play sex games.
Sex should be fun! Sex games are an easy way to explore your sexuality while having fun with your partner. Who doesn’t love Monopoly? Well now you can play XXXopoly too
What are the benefits of playing sex games? Games can be a safe place to explore new interests, fantasies and activities.
The key here, according to New York-based psychotherapist Dulcinea Pitagora is to keep it enthusiastically consensual. Use safe words to make sure your partner is 100% open to something and just gauge their emotional state. If they seem a bit off, they might need some time to think about it. You can try “that one” next time.
15. Schedule it.
Yes, we know that sounds boring, but our lives are getting busier and busier. Scheduling sex means a conscious decision to be intimate with your partner.
If you want to add an element of surprise to scheduling sex, we recommend having a sex token.
You and your partner both have a token, and when that token is placed on the nightstand, it means sex should happen within the next 24 hours. You can set your own rules on how the token can be used, but just be sure to stick to it.
Sex should be fun, intimate and consensual. If you or your partner is struggling, create a safe, loving space where they can explore. Never judge, push or criticize. Your role is to support and to be supported.
Have fun exploring a new world of sex and enjoy a better sex life!