Life was never meant to be pain-free. This is especially so when it comes to human emotions. You are bound to suffer from relationships! This happens when you lose a loved one, get hurt or even betrayed by people you love. In life, that’s Inevitable!
But who said you should stop living an incredible life? To start a fresh and pain-free future, breaking from past painful experiences is recommended. Colin Tipping in his book, Radical Forgiveness, recommends living based not on fear, abuse, and control, but on peace, unconditional love, and true forgiveness.
While bad memories can linger on for days, weeks, months and even years, you have the power of training your mind to cope and overcome them. Blaming others for a painful past only prevents you from healing! The key to letting go of your past painful relationship is surrendering it to God. Let him handle it for you. That way, you won’t have to do much. He’s got you!
Below is an overview of 15 ways to enable you to break from the past and move on to a new life.
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Avoid places and objects that bring back the memory
If you notice you’re getting blindsided by negative memories of your past life, especially whenever you’re around certain objects or go to certain places, avoid them! Complete avoidance of things that trigger the memory of a past relationship is a sure way to make it fade out of your mind. Colin Tipping in his book Radical Forgiveness, suggests that most of the memories you have of a past relationship are simply your interpretations of what you experienced. The story that comes out of an interpretation of life experiences may not be entirely true. This is because it leaves out other perspectives. Tipping warns that once you turn the interpreted story into a belief, there is a tendency to defend it as if it were the truth. This is despite it being far from the truth.
There is, therefore, no reason for calling up past hurtful life’s memories. Why would you? They are not true anyway! With time, you’ll be able to replace the negative memory of the relationship with positive thoughts. Tipping advises you to take a rational step that enables you to see things differently from the outset, a process that involves separating facts from fiction. Recognize that your belief has no basis! It’s simply a story you made up on the basis of a few facts and loads of interpretations of your past relationships.
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Ponder on the memory till it loses its power
Remembering bad experiences in a relationship might leave you feeling deflated and anxious. On impulse, you might want to avoid thinking about your past life as much as you can. However, an attempt to suppress thinking about the relationship makes it more powerful, especially when it pops up in your mind again! According to Tipping, trying to forget a bad experience only results in repressed pain. This is the belief formed out of the memory still working with the subconscious. This is most hurtful! Especially so when it blows up as an illness in a bid to bring suppressed pain to consciousness.
Tipping advises you avoid pushing the memory of a bad relationship out of your mind as it presents the opportunity for wholesome healing. Instead, remind yourself of what happened; keep thinking about it till its sting is gone. In the end, you will avoid thinking about it much, rendering it painless! Comfort yourself with the fact that the event that caused the memory is in the past, and there is no more embarrassment.
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Memory alteration
Learn to replace the bad parts of a bad memory with more positive information. With time, you start recalling the altered version of the bad memory. After all, memories are not completely accurate and can be changed. Altering the part of the memory that makes you feel bad is a sure way to go. Focusing on the good feelings instead of the bad ones, changes the memory in tone, making it feel different every time you think about it.
According to Tipping, thinking about God as being in ultimate control of life is a sure way to let go of pain from the past. According to tipping, realizing how well you are being supported by the universe or God is part of overcoming pain in relationships. There is always a spiritual force working for you every moment of every day, no matter how bad a situation may seem. Being open to the possibility that something beyond the visibly obvious if happening is vital! It will help you realize that even the worst occurrence in your past was intended for the highest good.
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Focus on happier memories
Stuck in a rut of memories of a bad relationship? Train your brain to focus on the positive side of everything! According to Tipping, as painful as your past relationship was, you may not have the ability to immediately accept the divine plan in the experience. You, however, have to understand that some of the things you go through in life only help you grow! There is always a lesson in what seems like a bad situation. The mere fact that you went through it, means you have grown! Do not allow the memory of a bad past alter your mood and make you feel anxious. Instead, the moment you sense it, focus on the better person you’ve become since then. Keep practicing this and with time you will get over the relationship.
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Learn to be present
Focus more on here and now instead of dwelling on the past or nervously expecting the future. That’s an excellent way to relieve stress and enjoy life more. It enables you to let go of baggage from a broken relationship and exist in the present moment.Tipping recommends the need to recognize the greater good beneath the pain of the past.
According to Tipping, there is no reason to figure it all out. The mere willingness to entertain the idea that something greater is going on behind the scenes is essential when it comes to living a more fulfilling life. Willingness to see the situation in a different way is the key to your healing! To avoid being fixated on a relationship, think of the gift you have gotten out of it. Are you a much better person than you were before you broke up? Reminding yourself how far you’ve come from the previous heartbreaking relationship grounds you in the present. Paying attention to your senses and meditating on the fact that you are still alive and have the opportunity to make it better next time also brings you back to your present life.
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Always bear in mind what you’ve learned from a past event
Although it might take a long time to realize your lessons, all experiences teach us something. If you can look back and point to the wisdom gained from a relationship, your bad memory is sure to lose its sting. After all, every cloud has a silver lining. According to Tipping, the lessons we need to learn in life are often contained in painful situations. Negative experiences make you stronger and help you appreciate life more. Painful circumstances of the past are most likely what have made you grow into the person you are today.
Clearly, if you went through the experience, then you definitely learned and grew because of it yes? Count your blessings! No matter what you might have lost in the past. This is as opposed to judging the situation and blaming it on others. Always ensure you’ll search for the message in it and understand the lesson.
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Recognize emotions underlying your regrets
Do you have trouble getting over a mistake? Find out the reason you can’t let go of the broken relationship. Release all the underlying emotions that could be tying you to your past life. According to Tipping, you should learn to avoid playing the victim. Choose to look at those who might have hurt you as people who had to come along your way to help you learn and grow.
Tipping strongly suggests that it’s through relationships (whether good or bad) that you grow, heal and learn to experience wholeness and truth. It is the people and situations in your life that help you mirror your misconceptions and projections. That’s how you bring repressed material to consciousness for healing. Look back and ponder on your painful past and draw on any lessons learned.
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Separate yourself from mistakes
Relationship mistakes or poor behavior do not necessarily define your character; neither do they reflect on your values and self-worth. Learn to see yourself as an entity separate from past mistakes. Instead of condemning yourself, realize your bad qualities do not represent everything you are as a person.
According to Tipping some of the things you might have done are not entirely your fault. Your soul works together with a greater spiritual force to create drama in your life. This then brings to consciousness past issues that still remain unresolved. Tipping suggests that there is no good or bad, right or wrong; only your thinking makes it so.
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Accept your imperfections and mistakes
Accept it! You are not perfect! You cannot expect to go through life never having made a mistake. Recognizing that you made a mistake is a sign that you are self-aware and realistic. You are on the right path if you are able to recognize your mistakes and forgive yourself. Admit your wrongs without making excuses, especially if a relationship broke up because of you. Recognize your behavior was a problem if you hope to make amends. Tipping says that while you might feel like condemning the other party for being the problem, the real problem could actually be with you. Learning to look at others as having the best intentions can give you a whole new perspective of past situations.
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Make amends with your loved ones
Work towards a better relationship with those you have grievances with. That way, you’ll have peace of mind once you accept the blame for making the situation worse. Apologize for your past mistakes and work to make it better between you and your loved ones. In case you do not get immediate forgiveness from your loved ones, keep trying. After all, you didn’t choose the people in your life; they just happened. According to Tipping you attract the people in your life through the law of resonance. It is the people who resonate with your life’s issues that come into your life. That’s how you can experience healing.
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Understand that nothing lingers on too long
If you’ve broken up with a loved one, acknowledge that life must go on and that the pain is normal to humans. It will eventually subside! Take time to process all resultant strong emotions for lasting healing of the pain you are feeling. Tipping suggests you look at the perfection in imperfect life situations.
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Focus on your hobby or start a new project
A sure way to distract yourself from the pain of a lost relationship is taking on a hobby. It also makes you rediscover and do the things that make your life more fulfilling. Take up exercise to boost your mood, or art to get over your past. Did you know that raising a pet is not just a stress reliever, but also a great way to distract yourself?
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Form a support system
Do you know of any people who can be a good influence on you and help you get over your past? Surround yourself with people who bring out the better you rather than the bitter you. Reach out to supportive family and friends, nurture your relationship with them, and be trustworthy, honest, and kind. Negative people can only pull you back into habits, activities or behaviors that made your past painful.
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Accept what is and let go!
It is much easier to let go when you accept life as it is. Know that what happened was bound to happen anyway. It doesn’t help figuring it all out. According to Tipping, surrendering everything to God and letting him handle it helps you overcome the past. Building great relationships will then be inevitable!
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Forgive yourself and those who hurt you
Learn to truly forgive yourself and others who might have hurt you in your past relationships. Whatever you do, don’t do it out of obligation, a sense of righteousness, pretense or as mere excuses. You have no power of pardon, only God does. According to Tipping, forgiving and forgetting only creates denial. If you are wise, forgive but do not forget. However, that does not mean you condone the bad behavior. Tipping says this only makes you look overly judgmental and self-righteous. True forgiveness is about letting go of the
True forgiveness is about letting go of the past and not being controlled by it. It cannot be willed or bestowed; instead, you must be willing to forgive and give the situation to a higher power! True forgiveness is not a product of your efforts but emanates from being open to experience it.
Most importantly, Tipping suggests that, whatever you do, get over the notion that someone else did something bad to you, and that they are responsible for the lack of peace and happiness in your life.No human has such power over you!
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