How to Know Your Husband Changed After An Affair

By David Small •  Updated: 11/30/17 •  11 min read

Do you know an affair can destroy  your marriage? If your husband was involved in an affair and you want to know if he has changed, then you came to the right place. You might ask is there any way to know if he has really changed? Yes, there are practical ways to know if he is Really changed after the affair? That was exactly the most often-asked question I got from most reconciled couples!


Photo by Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash

You’re still not sure if he really wants reconciliation or ready for a change following his promises. If you’re eager to know whether the CHANGE PROMISE is true, then this article is for you.

The odds of having the relationship back depends on what you believe about him. While he may really be changing you hardly can determine that.


  1. Is He Ready to Accept Responsibility for His Affair?

You have got to X-ray him here by finding answers to some questions. Perhaps part of the likely reasons you separated in the first place was not being ready to accept blames. Ask yourself: Do you see him changing in regards to this? Except this is settled first you might be building your home on a quicksand.

It is one thing to say “I’m Sorry” being willing to accept responsibility for the action is more important. Don’t just read his lips expressing SORRY make sure he feels sober. However, striking a balance here is also important as you can’t go overboard. How do you know he is ready to take responsibility for his actions?

It can be a tall-order yet a simple thing to figure out. Let’s say I did something to you and it hurt you hard. I can simply say sorry and amend rather than stonewalling or laying blame on you. Feeling reluctant to say sorry without procrastinating is a pointer he isn’t going to accept responsibility.

Also, you may want to look beyond accepting responsibility for his actions to determine his readiness to change. Showing reflection on the hurt caused and empathizing with you is also what to look out for. If you’re able to ascertain this, then you should know the reconciliation is true. But if not, you might want to hesitate a bit to get him do that first before accepting to take him back.

  1. Is He Open to Discussing His Affair and Negotiate Needs with You?

Next, to the above is ensuring he is being open with you about his affair and your concern or needs. Is he paying attention to you when talking? Is he reaching a decision with you or leaving you all alone with it? Does he listen attentively to you when you’re talking to him? All these questions demand that you find out thoroughly about them. Being open and free when communicating with your partner is a pivotal sign your marriage will last.

So, before reconciling with him you should carefully check his being attentive, open and appreciative of your needs. Of course, you want to be sure he listens to your feelings and needs when shared with him. If he is always impatient to hear you out or unconcerned about them, it may be a sign he’s not changed yet. And, the possibility of changing later is not also certain.

  1. Is He committed to The Change Process Without Backsliding?

“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans” – Peter F. Drucker

What is a commitment? Commitment entails showing the trait of sincerity and steadfastness of purpose in pursuing a goal. Change like in every other aspect of life doesn’t come easily unless there is commitment. Unless he shows commitment to the change process there might never be a positive result. You shouldn’t get me wrong here, commitment is your both responsibility. So, you don’t have to leave him alone in this; you should also invest commitment.

  1. How Is He More Inclined to Internal Changes, Affair Than External Circumstances?

Every step taken by a man in life starts from the heart. There is no difference whatsoever when it comes to change too, it starts with the heart. Internal changes are a better thing to seek in marriage reconciliation than external changes. Because the later leads to the former and it implies a true change in his heart.

When someone embraces internal changes you can easily see that in his actions, lifestyle and ways of talking to people. Your husband must be seen to have changed internally; Or else, he will only be daydreaming. Meaning he can never achieve any true change.

So, have you asked questions as to his inclination to internal changes? Does he only profess external changes without internal changes? Answering all these will help you determine his readiness to change.

  1. Can You Sense The Real Change In Him?

Combining the number 1-4 above together, you should be getting some ray of hope? Are you able to feel any sense of real change in him? Of course, you should be able to determine if he is really changing or not. This might sound like a play to you but believe me, it is the real thing. If you really know him well you should be able to say when he is serious or not.



  1. Is He critiquing you Rather Than Criticizing?

In “The Gottman Relationship Blog”, Ellie Lisitsa, wrote about “Self-care: Criticism”. She explains that criticism is a great way to escalate or initiate a conflict. Therefore, it’s important to ask: how does he correct you?

Does he abuse you when he corrects you? Or correct you constructively? The overall point here is, being critical of someone isn’t the right way to correct or communicate in marriage.

To learn more about whether your partner is critical about you is normal or not, read her article on “Self-care: Criticism”.

  1. Has he shown patience with the process?

Change is a gradual process. Being impatient about change will jeopardize the whole thing. As he is trying to change you should never being impatient to see him through. Part of the responsibility on your part is to encourage and support him to change. Therefore, you should never hasten him if the change isn’t coming immediately.

But you might want to follow up to see progress in the change process.  Some habits may have become part and parcel of him. Changing such tend to take some time.

So being patient is the only best shot to know he is going to change. Overall, it is enough to allow him time to make amends and prove himself. If you’re already thinking you want to call it a day with him, time is now to pause.

  1. He Is Ready To Communicate with You Freely Than Before the affair?

Strong marriages thrive on communication. Your marriage is finished the moment your partner stops communicating with you.

Communication helps a lot in conflict resolution. Stopping to communicate with you is a sign your marriage is at stake and that he will not change. A good question to ask here is: Is he holding back any information from you?

  1. How Concerned Is He, About The Family, Children and Close Friends?

One major sign your partner is ready to come back to your life again is in his ability to display more concern for the family, children and close friends. These people are instrumental in dispute resolution of any marriage. If he doesn’t feel concerned about the family, then you should think twice about.

  1. Is He Showing Readiness To Give A Change A Try

Getting plethora of advice and tips without implementation will not yields result. But being ready to give it a try is the best. Ask yourself the question: When last did he use phrases like “I will try”,”I promise”, I am going to ….” etc? Without this, I can tell you pretty clear he will never change. Because being ready to take a step is being ready to try. If he doesn’t believe in POSSIBILITY then he will hardly try a change.

  1. Is he Treating You with Respect Rather Than with contempt?

Respect, they say is reciprocal. Communicating in a state of contempt implies you’re truly mean as explained by Ellie Lisitsa in her blog post titled The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. So, have you thought about how he treats you? Did he show any respect at all or treat with contempt?

  1. Is He Feeling Like Being Forced Into Loving You Again after the affair?

If your reconciliation must succeed, it must be devoid of any form of coercion on your both part. Feeling like one’s hands are tied to act on the contrary shows he is not comfortable. If either you or your partners exhibiting any of this sign for one reason you should doubt his sincerity to change.


  1. Is He Avoiding Being Seen With You or Connecting With You Spiritually, Physically or Emotionally?

Spiritual, physical or emotional connections are not sufficient reasons for you to doubt your husband readiness to change. However, they’re a good pointer to suspect a serious problem may be imminent in your marriage. While connecting with him builds a healthy marriage disconnecting ruins it. Consequently, you may want to believe your husband is not really changing if avoids you too often. Have considered your husband attitude in this regards?

  1. How Much Effort Is He Putting Into Your Reconciliation and Your Future?

At times the change may not be coming as faster as you expected. It is normal to expect this. But where you may have to escalate is if he doesn’t plan on it at all. Failing to plan or put some investments into the change is enough to say he is not changing. By investing here, it could be in form of time, emotional investment, etc. It’s fundamental you see these things even if there is some delay.

  1. How Is He Willing To Have Faith In You And Give Up The Doubts?

Does he trust you? Trusting one another is highly inevitable between couples and in reconciliation. You can’t deny that for sure. So believing in your partner is what you want to have. It is just naive to disregard the importance of this. The level of the faith and trust he has in you is fundamental in reconciling with him. This is so as nobody likes you doubting him. Not having trust and confidence in you it’s a sign that he wouldn’t change.

  1. Is He Ready To Bury The Hatchet Finally and Move Forward With You?

In a marriage like in any contract, there tends to be a misunderstanding. Is he willing to let it go finally and move on with you on a new note? If your partner stills regurgitate the past mistakes you made he may not forgive. And, if he doesn’t forgive, you might want to believe he isn’t really going to change as he promised.


 In conclusion, the true intent of your couple about the promised change might take time to know. But following all the 16 practical ways to know if he is Really changing is your best shot.

As you’re trying to figure out things for yourself, make sure you apply all the strategies above. While you don’t have to apply the tips above in isolation, trying all might be good for you. It may be unfair to jump to a conclusion so early.

Don’t’ forget to ask questions and remain patient for him to change. This may sound too simplistic but it is the most significant steps to take.  More so, as you’re waiting for the real change, you should also be mindful of those essential signals.  You should not only be expecting the change from him you should also support and encourage him. Doing this will make your decision to be fair enough to believe and will save you from embarrassment.

Do you find my article helpful? How did you go about determining your husband‘s readiness to change? We will like you to share your experience with us.

Please do in the comment box below now!










David Small

is the founder and editor of relationshiptips4u. He is a dating, marriage & relationship coach, speaker, and author. Learn more about him here and connect with him on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.
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