Sexless marriages are the main reason for breakup nowadays. Lack of sex is one of the most common problems in marriages today. Many couples find that they no longer have sex with their spouse as often as they would like, but feel powerless to fix it. The longer the marital dry spell continues, the more overwhelming the problem can feel, until it can become a potentially catastrophic problem in the marriage.

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But can you imagine that because you just gave birth, you will be trapped in a sexless marriage? Of course, you would feel bad about it. Many couples are thrilled if they can squeeze in sex once a month. I’ve heard from hundreds of couples who haven’t had sex in years after having a baby, or even decades. Sexless marriages seem far more common than any of us want to admit. The good news is that couples in sexless marriages can choose to reconnect and rediscover a fulfilling sex life.

Here are 17 ways to fix your sexless marriage once you gave birth

  1. Communication

It is usual, though, that this topic is too difficult to raise at first, however, it is worth exerting effort since couples who talks and discuss sex do have healthier relationships. Talk maturely about everything about your sex life without blaming or nagging one another.

Do you really know the reason why you’re not making love to your spouse anymore? I’m sure there are a lot of questions on your mind that needs to be answered. If you’re the partner who is desiring more intimacy, tell your spouse so. Let them know that you need that connection with them. If you’re the partner who is having difficulty tuning in in the bedroom, you need to figure out why you’re no longer desiring that intimacy, and why.

  1. Identify the cause

Sexless marriage will never just pop up in a second.  But, it can be just one of the challenges that you need to overcome in order to deepen your relationship.  Why don’t you try to recall where it all began? Prior to resolving your issues, you should know first its cause.

If you feel that you are in a sexless marriage due to your lack of sex drive or interest towards sex and you want to fix your sexless marriage, analyze why you don’t want sex anymore or why you don’t enjoy it anymore. There must be a reason behind it. There could be a psychological and physical side on it. It could be a physical condition that needs to be checked by a doctor or it could be an emotional thing or a negative feeling that needs to be addressed.

  1. Be Thoughtful

Fixing your sexless marriage must start within yourself.  Try to ask and evaluate yourself on why you landed in such a situation. This may include questions such as… what does a sexless marriage indicate to me?  Is it my fault? Am I not good enough? Have our relationships already reached our endpoint?  As soon as you start working out these questions, you will be able to realize the right solutions in patching up your sexless marriage.

Also, do a thorough check and get honest about why you have drifted from one another. Either alone or with the support of a good therapist, get your emotional issues out in the open and work towards bringing your sexless marriage to normal. This step isn’t the most fun, but it’s necessary for moving forward together. Only once you’re honest about what has been holding you back can you can move forward and reconnect.

  1.  Pamper your relationship

Help each other get back on track and get into the mood for sex again. It takes effort and team work to fix a sexless marriage. Couples should help each other if they want to bring back the physical intimacy and passion in their marriage. Be open and honest with each other and talk about sex in your relationship, how it becomes dry through the years and what both of you can do to zest up your sex life and become sexually active again. Break the routine and do something new.

Send the kids to grandma and grandpa or have a nanny takes care of them so that you and your spouse can enjoy alone time with each other without thinking about the children. Turn the phone off and get rid of possible distractions. Take a vacation, a trip together or a marriage retreat. Watch and read erotic movies or stories together. Talk about each other’s sexual fantasies or desires. If you can’t work things out on your own, it is best to seek professional help, counseling or therapies.

  1.  Commitment

Your first move in order to restore your sexless and boring life is to do be committed together.   This should be the most important thing of all.  You need to ask yourself and your husband sexless marriage if you still have this urge and desire to be part of an erotic relationship. Do you both actually want an erotic relationship again? No matter how long it’s been since you last were sexually intimate, you can recover your erotic connection, but only if you both want to.

Never bother anymore counting months and even days of the last time that you’ve been engaged in a sexual intimacy. Rather, focus on the chance that you recover and reconnect with your partner in life.  You have to allot a time for your conversation and better discuss your marital issues and its future.

  1. Resolve to look great

Looking and feeling great is a big factor when it comes to fixing a sexless marriage. When you are out of shape and do not feel sexy, your libido significantly falls and you are not very compelled to get it on. Your embarrassment at being unattractive and not fit enough for a romp can be quashed if you just do something about it.

The healthier and fitter you are, the more likely you will feel and act like the Energizer bunny in bed. Not just that, when you drop a few pounds and tone up the jiggly bits, your confidence level will skyrocket and you will be raring to go.

Eat right and squeeze in 30-minute exercise sessions several times a week. Whether it is turning on an exercise video and working out in your living room or going for a quick jog, you have no excuse to not look and feel sexy. All it takes is a minuscule bit of effort, and you will be looking and acting like teens in no time and your sexless marriage will become a forgotten issue.

  1. Seducing Massages

When you already know that everything is already okay and it feels like home once again, this must be the perfect time for you to connect up again your bodies. Feel again the relief and beauty coming from the loving touch of your husband.

Sex gurus and therapist out there would say “Touch is the most powerful tool for reconnecting after living in a sexless marriage”.  Set aside ten minutes and massage your partner. Make sure to take turns so you each get a chance to give and receive loving, nourishing touch. Soon, you’ll be giving one another quality massages, exchanging pleasurable touch and learning how to communicate about touch and pleasure.

  1. Go for a therapy

If you have spoken to your partner about how to fix your sexless marriage and still see no change, then it is time to bust out the big guns. There is no shame in getting help from a third party, and in this case, it is speaking to a professional sex therapist.

He or she will be very familiar with the problem you are facing and can offer a safe and private outlet from which to express emotions and get back on the road to a healthy sex life. From sex talk to games and little projects that you can work on together, a sex therapist will be able to help a lot more than if you guys were to sit at home and stew over it alone.

  1. Increase your desire on each other

There are instances when both your health and desires would drain your sexual desire. As soon as you notice something like this, you must visit your doctor.  They can give you suggestions and advice on how to fix your sexless relationship.

A good way to start is to think back to when you were first together when the sex was amazing and frequent and think back to what you originally loved about each other. What did your spouse always love about you and what turned you on about them. These early days are a good indication of what initially attracted you to each other and reclaiming that old spark with actions based around it along with actions that may help your more recent marital issues is the combo you may need to fix your sexless marriage.

  1. Make out time for your partner

It is always advisable to let sex flow as a manifestation of the healthy and happy relationship you enjoy, rather than be used as a means to achieve the emotional impetus that women (and also men) crave in marital sex. For married sex to resume, it is important that you invest time and effort to connect with your partner on the mental and emotional levels to better forge a connection on the physical level.

Do not allow anything to put sex on the backburner! Nobody has time, you have to make time! We all have 24 hours in a day – and some of us use the same hours for having awesome married sex whilst juggling the very same busy lives!

  1. Discuss your Sexual Goal

After sharing your wants, time and desires, you are obliged to make and share your sexual goals with your partner. A good number of people believe that sex shouldn’t be goal-oriented, but that is not true at all. Goals work in every other area of our life and they work to improve your sex life. Agreeing on a goal together will help you stay accountable to one another and help you make your sex life a priority.

One goal might be to have two hours a week of sexual intimacy, where you touch, kiss and pleasure one another; another goal might be to explore a new part of sexuality together or to start having sex with the lights on.

  1. Celebrate every possible progress

After you must have recovered your intimacy and changing your sexless marriage around, it’s important that you remember to celebrate your progress and enjoy every bit of it. It will help retain your success and increase your love for each other.

Assure yourself that your parent really appreciates your effort and time as you really take seriously ways to fix your sexless marriage. Never forget to say thank you. Keep on making things great and making him/her feel that they are so lucky to have you.

  1. Have fun together

Another way to reintroduce sex into your sexless marriage is to start going on dates again. Perhaps one of the reasons why the sex has fizzled out is because there is a lack of intimacy between you two. Work, kids, everyday nuances and so on are responsible for taking time away from your partner. It is not okay to neglect the most important relationship that you have, so make an effort to rejuvenate your intimacy by treating yourselves to time away from reality.

Whether it is going for a movie together, having a fancy dinner or just heading out for a quick frozen yogurt treat, make the effort to spend time and experience things together. Hold hands, talk about your day and work on the connection that you once had with your spouse.

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  1. Make a sex schedule

Do you feel that your partner does not have much time for you to have sex?  Then try to schedule it. It will surely keep any kind of distractions away from it. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to have sex with them every day, it is only a way on how you can set aside time.

It may sound like a task or a job but think of it as something that you need to accomplish on a regular basis to keep the intimacy and passion in your marriage. If sex is included in your plans and schedule, you are committed and you’ll make time for it and you’ll make sure you’re prepared for it. Couples who regularly have sex tend to feel more intimate and closer to each other. Regular sex is good not only for your marriage but also to your physical and mental health

  1. Give each other time to fantasize

If the aforementioned tips fail, try resorting to fantasizing about others in bed. Many couples and psychologists will argue that this will do more harm than good and is categorized as a form of cheating. However at the end of the day, if both parties consent and if it can help reignite your sex life, then why not give it a shot?

If you find it hard to get turned on by each other, then why not imagine doing the deed with someone else whilst in bed with your spouse? If you are hesitant, simply look at this method as a form of role play. After a couple of times, you will start feeling more comfortable making love again, and you can hopefully go back to getting turned on by each other.

  1. Avoid the blame game

You should stop blaming your partner for every little thing; it will worsen the situation and also lead to a sexless marriage. If you feel that you’ve been turned down many times, it is best not to complain but make a sweet request. Complaining makes the problem even worse. Who would want to have sex with someone who complains a lot? It is better to be more positive and choose to interpret his or her lack of enthusiasm to have sex in a kindest possible way and do not choose the ugliest reasons or interpretations.

Being too negative will not fix a sexless marriage. A sweet request to your spouse could melt his or her heart and has a better chance of success than complaining that you haven’t had sex lately. Be romantic and choose the best time that your spouse is in good mood. If you cannot make a request verbally, write a letter to your spouse to express your love and your desires to passionately share the bed with him or her.

  1. Help each get into the mood for sex again

It takes effort and team work to fix a sexless marriage. Couples should help each other if they want to bring back the physical intimacy and passion in their marriage. Be open and honest with each other and talk about sex in your relationship, how it becomes dry through the years and what both of you can do to zest up your sex life and become sexually active again. Break the routine and do something new.

Send the kids to grandma and grandpa or have a nanny takes care of them so that you and your spouse can enjoy alone time with each other without thinking about the children. Turn the phone off and get rid of possible distractions. Take a vacation, a trip together or a marriage retreat. Watch and read erotic movies or stories together. Talk about each other’s sexual fantasies or desires. If you can’t work things out on your own, it is best to seek professional help, counseling or therapies.

In a 1993 study, Donnelly, a therapist found that those in a sexless marriage are likelier to have thought about divorce than those in sexually active marriages. Research published in the Journal of Sex Research in 2001 also reported that those who are involuntarily celibate frequently experience anger, self-doubt, frustration and depression.

Fixing your sexless marriage does take work. It takes a lot of communication from both parties – honest and caring communication where you can both say how you feel without casting judgment or blame on the other person. Relationships without sex don’t just heal themselves – so you must face facts, admit you have a problem and move forward to solving it.

Images courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net


David Small

is the founder and editor of relationshiptips4u. He is a dating, marriage & relationship coach, speaker, and author. Learn more about him here and connect with him on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

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