How to Reconnect with Your Spouse: The Ultimate Guide

By David Small •  Updated: 04/09/20 •  14 min read
How to Reconnect With Your Spouse

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Are you searching for information to find out how to reconnect with your spouse? Everyone who gets married expects to have a “happy ever after” kind of experience?

However, that rarely happens 100 percent of the time. For reasons beyond your control, you begin to drift away from your spouse.

That means you need to take deliberate steps to reconnect with your spouse.

As Professor Barbara Fredrickson says in Love 2.0, you should create “micro-moments of connection and warmth” every day.

Not only will you be able to reconnect with each other, but you will also build a strong bond. The result is a happier marriage that can withstand the ravages of everyday life.

In this article, we provide proven tips to help you rebuild the bond with your spouse. We have broken them into four distinct categories to provide you with precise guidance.


How to Reconnect With Your Spouse Emotionally.

You can reconnect with your spouse emotionally by undertaking simple strategies, including appreciating each other. Think about the good old days, often.

You will realize you have so much to live for. Don’t forget to actively listen to each other while engaging in effective communication. Importantly, you may want to pray with and for each other.

That does not only connect you spiritually but also emotionally. And you may also want to write him a love letter. Now, we give a detailed look at each of these suggestions.

  1. Appreciate and Be Grateful With Each Other

Appreciation and gratefulness play an essential role in helping you build a healthy relationship. Psychology Today reports a study appearing in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

In the study, it was discovered that the chances of couples with mutual appreciation are diminished in the short-term. The implication is that couples need to appreciate each other all the time.

It is easy for your spouse to know when you understand him or her. When talking to each other, you will be more inclined to lean in to listen to what they are saying.

That is called “active listening.” You will touch each other more. When walking out in the streets, you will subconsciously hold each other’s hands.

So, learn to say “thank you” when your spouse does something right. Surprise him or her with a gift on a special occasion. Subtle as they might be, such actions help you to reconnect with your spouse emotionally.

Related Article: 31 Daily Acts That Will Rebuild Love in Your Marriage.

  1. Remember the Good Old Days

There was a time in your relationship when the bond between the two of you was much more durable. While that was in the past, bringing back good memories can make reconnecting with your spouse easier.

Do you recall when you first met? Where did you have the first dance? Which was the song you would always request for? Do you remember a humorous, embarrassing moment?

It is not just about psyching yourselves. In a 2019 study, A. B. Mallory et al. Report the positive influence of good memories on relationship satisfaction.

Couples who remembered the good times in their relationships benefited more from therapy sessions than those who didn’t.

That underpins the need for you to remember the good old days to reconnect with each other. Even so, you will want to create more excellent, intense experiences now.

  1. Actively Listen To Each Other

How well do you listen to your spouse? Are you often distracted by your phone and other electronic devices? How much time do you spend on social media?

In today’s highly connected world, people tend to concentrate too much on electronics than listen to their spouses. That is why you should learn some listening skills.

In James 1:19, you will read the word, “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”

To reconnect with your spouse emotionally, put aside your phone when in a conversation. Turn off the TV and just talk. Lean forward to him or her as they speak.

It shows you care and tells your spouse that you are interested in what they have to say.

  1. Pray Together or For Each Other

Whether you are religious or not, you must have something you believe in. You can have an emotional connection with your spouse by participating in everyday activities.

Why don’t you pray together or for each other? If you make it a daily habit, this will help you to connect on a spiritual level. Just like in the emotional realm, having a spiritual connection will narrow the physical gap between the two of you.

Acting in the movie: Shadowlands, C.S. Lewis says prayer can change you and your spouse for the better. For example, it can help you get over feelings of anger and frustration.

If you do that regularly, you will forget any anger you are feeling towards each other.

  1. Read or Take a Class Together

Personal development can take many forms, including reading a book or taking a class. Well, you don’t have to sit together while reading. Each one of you can read a book separately.

When you are through, you can sit to discuss your thoughts about the book. Or, you may want to take a common class. It could be about anything.

Think in the line of cake making, brewery, business, or cooking – whatever interests the two of you. Attend the lessons together.

When you are through, what you learned into practice together. It is an easy way to foster a sense of teamwork in the home. As was observed at, collaboration in marriage will draw the two of you together.


Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

  1. The Power of Touch

If you are asking how to connect with your spouse emotionally, getting touchy could be the answer you need. Yet, most couples get too busy to neglect this vital ritual.

According to the Huffington Post, there is no limit to the number of daily times you can touch your spouse. Through touch, you are basically communicating how much you desire them.

Just how does touching work to draw the two of you closer? Scientifically, the sense of touch is known to release hormones related to happiness.

The more your spouse has serotonin and endorphins, the closer he or she will feel towards you. You may hold hands, hug, kiss, and cuddle more. The emotional connection will come naturally.

And your love for each other will be much stronger.

Related Article: 13 Proven Ways to know your Relationship Status.

  1. Write to Him or Her a Love Letter

In today’s world, when people communicate more through electronic gadgets, few appreciate the power of the love letter. You don’t have to be old school to write a love letter to your spouse.

The letter is not like short messaging services (SMS), which requires you to compress your message in a few words. Not only can you write a long message, but one that is a more detailed message.

Writing in the HuffingtonPost, Jaime Zepeda says, “love letters are life-changing.” Letters communicate how much thought you put into it. It shows you care for your spouse enough to sit down and write a letter.

While at it, ensure the message is in your handwriting. If you have trouble articulating yourself verbally, this method is the best for you.

  1. Effective Communication

We have looked at the importance of active listening to your partner. But that is not enough. One of the critical questions to reconnect with your spouse is how well you communicate. Say, you have a conflict.

Your spouse is not a mind reader to know what you are thinking. As Dr. Keith Stanford warns, expecting your spouse to read your mind will only lead to the build-up of anger.

Expect her to know what she is talking about, given she is a Baylor University Associate Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience. Which is the reason you should communicate precisely how you feel?

In addition to active listening, learn to use feeling statements while communicating.

  1. Come Up With Common Goals

Perhaps it has been a while before you planned anything together. Why don’t you seek to reconnect with your spouse by setting common goals?

It could be goals about virtually anything – your health, education, money, relationship satisfaction, business, and so on.

As long as it affects your life, you can sit down together and plan to achieve it. As Barbara Dunlap and Charlie Dunlap say in Setting Family Goals, lack of common goals will pull the two of you apart.

Once you have come up with common goals, put all your effort to achieve them. The excitement that comes with working on something both of you like will definitely create the reconnection you want. Any thoughts of divorce will quickly diminish.

Photo by Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash

How to Reconnect With Your Spouse Sexually.

There are several strategies you can use to reconnect with your spouse sexually. For instance, you may want to try simple things like retiring to bed at the same time.

That will not only encourage the two of you to connect physically but also increase sexual desire for each other. Also, create, everyday rituals reconnect daily.

Try dancing in the evening! When the time comes, try to prolong foreplay. You will realize how intense your sexual experience becomes.

  1. Retire To Bed at the Same Time

Do you often go to bed at different times? If you want to reconnect with your spouse, make sure you go to bed at the same time.

Ending the day together is the best way to build a lasting bond between you and your spouse. It is a way of saying you are together.

That means you need to cut all activities at the same time. Even so, does doing so have any benefits?

Writing in Psychology Today, Guy Winch Ph.D. says sleeping at different times may harm the relationship. When you go to bed together, you will touch more, release happy hormones, have more sex, and lower stress.

  1. Create Common Rituals to Reconnect

Did you know that you can reconnect with your spouse through simple daily rituals? One such routine involves reuniting every day.

Dr. John Gottman, says as much in his book: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. He advises couples to create a routine of daily reunion.

He suggests a simple move, such as asking your spouse for a dance when you meet in the evening. If you cannot do that, think of something special just for the two of you.

You will be surprised how such a simple ritual helps build the bond between the two of you. It doesn’t matter how busy the two of you are.

When you have a routine you do daily, you will always have something to look forward to. Even when traveling abroad, you would want to come home quickly to relive that special moment with your spouse.

  1. Prolonged Foreplay

Do you want to know how to reconnect with your spouse sexually? Why don’t you extend the time for foreplay? If your sex life has been less than perfect, this will significantly help.

Prolonged foreplay is useful, especially for women. WebMD quoted Dr. Ruth Westheimer as saying it takes a woman longer to be aroused enough to experience an orgasm.

Not so for men who get an erection just for thinking about sex. So, if you are the man, take steps to prolong foreplay. That way, you will better satisfy your spouse sexually.

If you are the woman, then you have no reason to be in a hurry to engage in the sexual act. Take time in foreplay, and you will feel closer to each other. Better, still, make it a habit. Let it be the way you relate to each other regularly.

Related Articles: 25 Marriage Counseling Questions that will Improve a Marriage.

Questions to Reconnect With Your Spouse.

Intellectual connection with your spouse is also important. That means striving to hold meaningful conversations whenever you are together.

To achieve this, you have to ask the right questions. From these questions, you will be able to conduct deep talks with each other.

Below, we suggest some questions you may want to ask each other to reconnect.

  1. Any life challenges you are thankful for?
  2. What are the things we do together that make you happy? Do we have those things frequently enough?
  3. What are the things we did in the past you would want us to keep doing? What makes these things so unique?
  4. When did you last feel that I really listened to you well? Anything you want us to talk about, but which you have hesitated to raise?
  5. What makes you happy when we are together? How do you feel about it?
  6. What beats remarkable, mind-blowing, fanatical, and gratifying sex? How much would you want us to try it?
  7. Now that we live together as husband and wife, is there anything you would like me to know? Why haven’t you told me about it before?
  8. What is the most embarrassing moment in your life?
  9. What things do you think should never be joked about?
  10. If today was your last day on earth and you didn’t have someone to communicate with, what would you regret not having shared? Why haven’t you shared it with someone yet?
  11. A fire in your house threatens to burn everything you own. You have just saved your family members and pets. What single item would you have to keep next?
  12. Do you think love and affection are essential aspects of your life? Why do you say so?
  13. Do Do you consider being a great friendship?
  14. What, would you say, is your life’s most significant accomplishment?
  15. What long-term dream have you been putting off over time? Any reasons for not accomplishing your goals?
  16. What do you often wish you could change about your childhood? Why so?
  17. What things in your life make you the most grateful?
  18. What three things do you think we have in common? Are all of these things important to you?
  19. What would a perfect day look for you?
  20. If you were allowed to choose anyone in the world, who would you want to invite to dinner?

Photo by Vitor Pinto on Unsplash

Dates to Reconnect With Your Spouse.

With busy schedules, people lead nowadays, it is not possible to be together as much as you would expect. That is where planning comes in. It takes commitment to set aside time for a date night.

It could be once a week, monthly, and so on. No matter how frequently you do it, planning for a date night shows the level of commitment to each other. Here are a few suggestions:

  1. Going together on a nature walk.
  2. Take him or her a museum or art exhibition.
  3. Dinner at home and a good movie afterward.
  4. A day trip to nowhere.
  5. Attend couples therapy together.


To reconnect with your spouse, there is a lot you can do. Yet, this doesn’t have to be one-sided. Your spouse needs to be a willing accomplice to make it succeed.

After all, it takes two to tango. If your spouse is unwilling or uncooperative, there is nothing much you can do about it. So, learn to rope him or her into any plans you have for the marriage.

David Small

is the founder and editor of relationshiptips4u. He is a dating, marriage & relationship coach, speaker, and author. Learn more about him here and connect with him on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.
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