Did you know that you can save your marriage alone? Yes, you can! If you value the relationship with your partner, you will do everything to preserve and build it.
In all of that, your partner’s commitment levels do not matter. You only need to put your mind to it actually to restore an irredeemably broken relationship.
You may have to learn where your spouse falls in the Five Love Languages. But it takes a lot of bravery to be the one fighting for your marriage.
After all, you aren’t the cause of all the problems affecting your marriage. At some point, your spouse will have to become an active participant in the marriage restoration process.
In this step-by-step guide, we’ll show you what it takes to singlehandedly save your marriage. Let’s dive right into it.
Step 1: Acknowledge the Validity of Your Spouse’s Concerns
Your marriage could be on the verge of divorce, your partner having initiated the process. They have accused you of things you consider outrageous at the very best.
You have two options: you could go into denial or accept the accusations’ validity. The best way is to acknowledge that there could be some truth in what your spouse is saying. Could you have caused the rift between the two of you?
The problem is that most people go into denial, avoiding dealing with some uncomfortable truths. Being in denial may seem like a suitable defense mechanism, but it only makes the relationship worse than it would have been.
Even where the problems are self-evident, you choose to overlook them instead of taking them head-on. For instance, you may fail to recognize your role in the relationship’s communication and intimacy issues. Denial only makes you even more frustrated about the relationship.
You can overcome denial by accepting that your marriage is in shambles and your role in worsening the problem. After all, saving your wedding starts with the willingness to change yourself.
If you deny your partner intimacy, then start creating more opportunities for it. Accept that your behavior is causing issues and embrace change.
According to an article appearing on gottman.com, doing so will cause a change of heart from your partner. And your marriage will be better off because of it.
Also Related: 59 Ways Avoid Divorce and Save your Marriage.
Step 2: Realize the Investment Your Spouse Has Made In the Marriage
It doesn’t matter how long you have been married. Most couples go into a marriage, hoping that it would last forever. They are willing to do everything to make even the most challenging marriage work.
Even when they start talking about divorce, they and hoping against all hope that the situation could improve. It’s important to realize how much time, effort, finances, and emotional energy your spouse has invested in the relationship.
Regardless of their mistakes, they have stayed married to you. Even though they aren’t saying it, they still want the marriage to work.
Once you realize how much your spouse would do to save the marriage, stop accusing them of different things. Start by eliminating the use of the word “you” in your arguments.
Pointing an accusing finger makes your spouse think he or she is responsible for all that has gone wrong.
Instead, use “I,” especially when expressing how you feel about the prevailing situation in your marriage. With that, you will not only lessen the intensity of arguments, but you will also diffuse them before they escalate.
As Ed Wheat says in how to save your marriage alone, that would reduce marriage conflict.
Step 3: Remember “Why” you Want to Stay Together
So, you have decided to save your marriage alone? Ask yourself the main reason for the two of you coming together? Why did you marry your spouse? With that, you will have an idea of the reasons to save the marriage.
Is it because of your vows? Or, because you want to create a stable home for your kids? Are you still deeply in love with each other? Or, is it that you believe marriage is forever? You will be surprised how much your seemingly shambolic relationship is worth saving.
We are not talking about taking the easy way out. Instead, it would help if you psyched yourself to put in the work to save your marriage. Remember that the marriage resulted from a loving relationship between the two of you.
So, fighting for your wedding means rebuilding the love that once existed between the two of you.
According to the book: Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken, you should be the one making an effort to love them. In a tense situation, it is easier for one to respond to love than to initiate it.
Take on the challenging role of starting love, and you will be able to save your marriage alone.
Step 4: Lower Your Expectations
What impressed you when you first met your spouse? You must have thought you had met a perfect human being. After living together for a while, you realized they have flaws, just like everyone else.
Now that your focus is on saving your marriage, it doesn’t help keep focusing on your spouse’s wrong and ugly things. An article in savethemarriage.com advises you to stop pointing out the flaws but to think about the positives.
After all, it is foolhardy to expect your spouse to change. Besides, you shouldn’t expect your spouse to start appreciating your efforts overnight. Give it time!
If you are willing to stay in there and do all that’s required, he or she will eventually come around. For example, you could decide to be more supportive than adversarial.
When your partner is depressed and down, offer emotional support instead of worsening the situation. By being friendlier, you will not only win your spouse back, but you will also save your marriage alone.
Step 5: Stop Amplifying your Marriage Problems!
Fighting for your marriage may mean avoiding making your marriage problems appear bigger than they are. Here, the strategy is to avoid focusing on the issues that have led you to your present situation.
So stop always talking about the problems with your marriage. Don’t remind your spouse about their wrongs. Also, don’t tell your spouse what you think they should be doing.
In the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman says you should stop the blame game. Similarly, it would help if you stopped discussing with your friends the issues in your marriage.
You cannot save your marriage by rehashing conflicts, always analyzing unhealthy patterns, ruminating about your problems, and blaming your spouse.
If anything, arguing over the same old issues will only keep you stuck in the past. It could be impossible for you to rebuild your marriage. You may find it hard to resist thinking about the issues in your wedding. But you do not have to have to focus on them.
Instead, list things that make you thankful, play, dance to loud music, or take an overdue task. If you make it a habit, you will find it less tempting to focus on your problems. You will relax, find joy daily, get clarity, and find hidden solutions.
Step 6: Take Your Time
If you want to know how to save your marriage alone, learn to be patient while at it. Recognize how long it has taken for you to come to the point of divorcing each other.
As a small issue, it most likely has grown into a huge problem, making it impossible to remain together. So don’t rush it! Take days, weeks, months, or even years mending the broken marriage. You could try saving your marriage alone and fail if your partner isn’t involved.
In Fighting For Your Marriage, Howard J. Markman advises not to expect your partner to be active in saving the relationship. Instead, you could ask them to be mentally open to having a working relationship, possibly.
Even if they don’t acknowledge your efforts, your spouse will notice your efforts. With that, they may end up joining hands with you to save the marriage. Since you caused the problems together, you should solve them together (even if one partner is inactive).
All that matters is that they should be receptive to your efforts to save the union.
Step 7: Avoid the Easy Way Out (Emotional Blackmail)
As part of trying to save your marriage, you may resort to emotional blackmail; it is an easy way out for most people. Instead of winning your partner back, you resort to blackmailing them emotionally.
Putting pressure on your spouse doesn’t work. Besides, pushing for your spouse to think logically about staying with you will fail. Remember, their choice to remain in the relationship should be an act of love – nothing else.
Some people even use the children, finances, and social circle to keep their spouse in a broken marriage. Such acts of blackmail may work for a short while but fail miserably in the long-run.
So what can you do to save your marriage alone? In the book: Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, John Gottman suggests winning your partner’s heart. That way, your partner will stay because that’s what they want and not to please you.
You have to appeal to your spouse’s heart, not take then a guilt trip. Your love brought you together and should make your relationship stronger.
What are the things you did when you first fell in love? Were you going out on dates weekly? Or, were you coming home with frequent presents? Try rekindling your love by doing the small acts. You will be surprised how easily you can win your spouse back.
Also Related: 50 Things that will Save YourMarriage Divorce.
Step 8: Keep Everything in Perspective
It is hard when you are the only one trying to save your marriage.
You have to deal with all sorts of mental barriers and obstacles, suggesting it isn’t worth it. Besides, your friends and family members won’t stop telling you to stop and quit. Because of that, it can be tough to resolve to stay in the marriage.
Wisdom dictates that you stop listening to all the opposing inner and outer voices. Instead, you can save your marriage today by keeping your goal in perspective. Think about it, meditate on it, and stay wholly focused on it.
Despite their shortcomings, love your spouse wholeheartedly. Convince them by showing them why they should consider staying married to you. But you can only do that if you believe in the relationship.
Make a list of the personal reasons you have to save the marriage. It has nothing to do with the kids and everything to do with you. When in doubt, check that list to stay in perspective.
Read it every day to remain wholly committed to restoring your relationship.
Step 9: Take a 180-Degree Turn from Your Mistakes
Most people tend to get too clingy to their partners or struggle to get too close to their partners. Both of those possibilities may end up backfiring, especially if you do not correct your mistakes.
So, look back at your past and acknowledge your misdeeds. However, that’s not enough if you aren’t willing to turn away from your mistakes.
Taking a 180-degree turn means is doing the complete opposite of what you had been doing before. Take a step back and re-look at your life. What would you lose if your spouse doesn’t support you in rebuilding the marriage?
In Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Les Parrot suggests focusing on what builds you.
Go for a walk, meditate, read a new book, practice yoga, resume your hobbies, or write a journal. That would prevent you from seeming and acting in desperation, trying to win your spouse back.
It is possible to save your marriage alone if you put your mind to it.
First, acknowledge that your spouse might be having some valid concerns.
Second, you should recognize that your spouse has also invested in this marriage and would like it to work.
Have concrete reasons to stay together, lower your expectations, stop amplifying your marriage problems, and take time.
In all of that, emotional blackmail is a no-no. Finally, keep everything in perspective and take a complete U-turn from your past mistakes.
is the founder and editor of relationshiptips4u. He is a dating, marriage & relationship coach, speaker, and author.
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