Do you want to know how to mend a broken marriage? Most people in a marriage crisis would want knowledge on fixing the relationship.
However, you should start by recognizing that you have a problem you should solve. No matter how bad the situation might be, you can save your marriage from divorce by trying everything you can.
You have to recognize the reason you got married in the first place. Once you do that, you can restore your marriage to what you intended it to be. Even though achieving reconciliation in marriage can take a long-drawn process, you can restore your marriage if you stay the course.
Here are a few things you and your spouse can do.
Stop Avoiding Divorce! Build Your Marriage Instead
When they fall into problems, most married couples start thinking about divorce and how to avoid it. No one can deny the possibility of divorce.
However, it doesn’t have to be an eventuality. The problem with focusing on avoiding divorce is that it removes your mind from the important issues. If you are asking how to avoid a divorce, you should primarily focus on rebuilding your marriage.
The rest of the tips in this write-up will focus on helping you rebuild your marriage. That’s because divorce is a no-no in all ways, whether you are trying to avoid it or not.
Also Related: 50 Things that Will Save Your Marriage from Divorce
Dealing with Conflict the Right Way
Can a marriage be saved? Yes, you can save a marriage if you know how to deal with conflict. According to Marriage Coach and Best-Selling Author Brad Browning, conflict is inevitable in any relationship.
He even suggests that conflict is good for marriage because, without it, there is no relationship. It’s how people handle conflicts that’s wrong. When there’s a misunderstanding, most couples resort to hurtful insults, screaming matches, and huge fights. They hardly know how to manage marital problems with restraint.
In his book How to Fix a Broken Marriage Alone, Sam Caesar says you should talking calmly about the issues at hand. That way, you will learn about each other’s emotions and priorities surrounding the problem you have.
In the end, you should be able to reach an understanding. You can avoid conflict by following the 30-minute rule. When you have a nagging issue, hold onto it for at least 30 minutes before saying it. That will help you to calm down and avoid arousing an unnecessary conflict.
When speaking to your partner, start with “I,” not “you.” Finally, you can use humor to avoid getting into an argument with your spouse. By lightening the mood, you can move on to something else.
Master the skills to Build A Stronger Relationship
Make Intimacy a Top Priority
Even though sex is important to any romantic relationship, it is one of the biggest marriage struggles. Couples don’t have enough sex, and if they do, then it is not enough. Such couples forget that having sex is one of the best ways to increase intimacy in a relationship.
Yet sexuality is fraught with all sorts of issues, including selfishness, performance issues, withholding from your partner, and fetishes. Besides, couples may have differing sex drive levels, with one unable to match the other’s desires. They may also fall into boredom, especially if sex becomes a routine.
If you want to know how to mend a broken marriage, you should identify issues affecting your sex life. Once you do that, then you can find a solution that works for both of you.
In Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, William Cutrer et al. say it is normal to be at different sex drive levels. What you do about it is what’s going to save a failing marriage. Could you not make it a chore?
Try to understand your partner’s sexual needs and work towards meeting most, if not all, of them.
Calmly Discussing Differing Opinions
When marriage partners have differing opinions, they are likely to fall into conflict. That’s because opinions aren’t always the same as the reality in the relationship. Yet, some people can blow them out of proportion.
One way to avoid marriage separation is by learning how to pick your battles. Realize that you do not have to fight over everything. Your opinions impact reality, then you should sit down and have a calm discussion to reach a working solution.
Manage Your Expectations
Everyone enters a marriage with expectations about what their spouses should do or how they should behave. If your spouse fails to live up to your expectations, you might end up with emotional pain and betrayal feelings.
Writing for Psychology Today, Rob Pascale and Lou Primavera, Ph.D., suggests that some marital expectations result from irrational beliefs.
So, if you have certain expectations about your spouse, imagine he or she wasn’t with you. Would you expect to do the same things for yourself? How easy or difficult are these expectations?
If you can’t meet these expectations, then why would you insist that your spouse fulfills them? Learning to manage your expectations and avoid relying on your partner for everything can help you fix a marriage.
Also related: 67 Common Marriage Problems To Avoid In A Marriage
Minimize Fights over Money
Fixing a relationship also has a lot to do with money. That’s because money is at the center of any relationship, and you need it to survive. It becomes a big issue if you aren’t contributing to the relationship commensurate with your earnings.
Perhaps, your spouse is careless with his or her expenditure. Regardless of that, avoid putting money at the center of your relationship. While money is important in helping you meet your expenses, it shouldn’t define your self-worth.
If you want to save a broken relationship, the budget for every single cent you get. Planning for the future and keeping track of your expenditure will help you focus on improving your marriage.
Have a Common Approach to Handling Kids
One of the signs of a marriage in trouble is conflict about how to handle the kids. That’s because the issues affecting children – like attention, time, and money – can strain a marriage if not properly handled.
As parents, you should forge a united form in how you handle your children and their needs. For example, you should lay down common rules and enforce them without fear or favor.
Working together will not only help you avoid fear or favor but also bring you closer. That’s because of working to defeat a common enemy – your children’s discipline.
Another cause of marriage problems is the domination of children over all other issues. To meet the demands of raising them, you might need to invest your time and money, forgetting other important issues.
You may end up not having time for intimacy, for example. When friction comes, you may decide – like other spouses – to stay together for the kids’ sake. If you as asking how to save your relationship, take time to be alone with your spouse.
Establish systems where the two of you can exist separate from your kids. For example, you may get a babysitter and plan a regular date night. Once a week, go out for dinner and talk about your issues. When your marriage succeeds, your children will also succeed.
Work on Your Affection and Romance
The best some couples know about romance is the fleeting memories of their honeymoon. As soon as they returned home, they settled in and began worrying about children, bills, and other responsibilities.
You can show your spouse affection through kissing, hugging, or touching their shoulder. Besides, you can show affection through how you look at him or her and your tone of voice.
Romance, on the other hand, refers to the actions that go into making your spouse feel appreciated, loved, and cared for. Therefore, you can use romance to work on your unhappy marriage. It involves having a candlelit dinner, a trip to the beach, or buying a gift for him or her.
If you know anything that can delight your partner, do it. Even though romance is something you occasionally do, it will help you fix deep-seated marriage issues.
Various marriage help books recommend going out of your way to surprise and make your partner happy. In short, you should go out to say and do things that require some effort.
What makes it powerful special is that it’s occasional and unexpected. If you ask how you can “save my marriage?“ make daily efforts to strengthen your relationship.
Stop Bringing Up the Past
Everyone has a past – and so do your partner and you. After living together for a while, you will develop an interest in knowing each other’s past. One of the biggest causes of a failing marriage is bringing up issues from the past.
However, you will have fewer marriage issues if you avoid carrying baggage from the past. If problems keep recurring, then you should take the time to understand them fully.
The biggest mistake you can make is to weaponize the past. In an argument, you use the past to have your way or dismiss their partner’s concerns. You can easily fix a broken marriage by using the past to better understanding your partner and relationship.
After that, try not to bring up the past. Instead, use the past to understand your partner’s feelings about an issue or action. Importantly, learn to leave the past, well, in the past.
Active Listening for Effective Communication
You could be asking, “Is my marriage worth saving?” The obvious answer to that question is “yes.” Communication in Marriage is one of the most overlooked yet important aspects. Having more of it could save your marriage, and lacking it could mean pushing yourselves into divorce.
In Communication in Marriage, Marcus and Ashley Kusi say you should learn to listen actively. That’s the only way you can understand what he or she has to say. That means putting away your phone and focusing on the relationship at hand.
When you have something to say, put it across in a clear, easy-to-understand language. Stop beating about the bush and blaming your spouse for the communication breakdown.
Most couples’ problem is that they want to hold back and hide their feelings about a situation. When you can express your feelings in a clear, concise way, your relationship shall be much better.
Also Related: 59 Ways To Avoid Divorce And Save Your Marriage.
Express Gratitude for Everything
Being in an unhappy marriage can make you lose sight of the important things – number one of love. Marriage restoration is about remembering the reasons for marrying your spouse. Looking back, you can see their role in making your life better.
Therefore, you have all the reasons to be grateful for having him or her as your marriage partner. If you want to know how to mend a broken marriage, then you should voice your gratitude for the things your spouse has done for you. If you are grateful for their love, tell them about it.
The idea is to say “thank you” for the small and big things. Not only will that show your appreciation, but it will also encourage him or her to do more. In the end, you will have a stronger marital relationship.
Talk to a Marriage Counselor
If you can’t resolve marital issues on your own, then you should seek the help of a counselor. Marriage therapy is important since it helps address marital concerns that you couldn’t unravel. In this case, the counselor becomes the mediator in your conflict.
So, you could try conventional therapy, which involves meeting a counselor face-to-face or online marriage counseling. Ensure that you are dealing with a licensed marriage counselor and not someone who’s only going to make your problems worse.
Through it, you can resolve anger, infidelity, substance abuse, sexuality, communication, and children’s upbringing. After marriage advice, however, you will return home and start working on your relationship. Without that, marriage therapy is an effort in futility.
Now that you know how to mend a broken marriage, it should be easier for you to restore the relationship. The secret is to do small daily things that can help stop divorce. But that shouldn’t be your primary point of focus.
Instead of dwelling on avoiding divorce, work to rebuild your marriage and make it better. We have suggested easy tips that could restore a marriage on the verge of divorce. To make them even better, try the Love Learnings program by Brad Browning.
David Smallis the founder and editor of relationshiptips4u. He is a dating, marriage & relationship coach, speaker, and author. Learn more about him here and connect with him on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.
Master the skills to Build A Stronger Relationship
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