When it comes to dating, everyone chooses a specific type of partner.
Some prefer their agemates, others older unattached men, while others have no qualms dating married men.
It all depends on an individual’s personal preferences and expectations from the relationship.
For that reason, some would argue in support of or against hooking up with a married man.
First off, a married man is difficult to see when you need him or her. You have to plan meticulously to prevent his wife from finding out about the relationship.
Since he is not yours, a married man can leave you hurting, especially when you get emotionally attached.
Reasons Why Women Date Married Men
When they start dating married men, most women expect a perfect relationship without emotional involvement.
Some only want a shorter-term, casual relationship that won’t lead to commitment.
However, they forget that even casual relationships evolve and become more complex.
Here are the reasons advanced for starting relationships with married men.
They Want Sex Without Commitment
Most of these women want nothing more than regular sex. As long as they can meet the married man for sex, they are alright.
They do not expect commitment from the man and aren’t ready to give the same. To these women, married men are experienced and better at satisfying their sexual desires.
Therefore, they would rather have sex with a married man than anyone else. It is not just the women who are in it for sex. As Robert Weiss writes on psychologytoday.com, men crave having sex with other women.
Thinking He’s Going to Leave His Wife Someday
Some women would like to pretend not to care for commitment.
However, deep down their hearts, they keep expecting the man to leave his wife. Of course, that isn’t too difficult.
If he is cheating on the wife, what prevents them from getting divorced. Therefore, the woman clings onto the man hoping he would leave his wife for her.
He Is Paying the Bills
Perhaps you are after nothing else but the man’s money.
In exchange for sex, the man takes you out for dinner, buying jewelry and clothes, paying bills, or the mortgage.
He has the money and is ready to splash it onto you. Since you can little or no income, you cling to the man for survival.
Why Is Dating A Married Man Not Good for You?
Regardless of your reasons for dating a married man, there is no excuse for your actions.
Writing for psychologytoday.com, Mark Goulston M.D advances ten truths about that particular situation.
That’s because the relationship is laid on a shaky foundation and cannot stand the test of time.
In the end, you become too emotionally attached to let go of the relationship. Yet, the man isn’t ready for any commitment.
Here are the key reasons why you should avoid married men like the plague:
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He Won’t Commit to You
Perhaps the man is in a relationship with you because of the trouble in his marriage.
He is unhappy and unsatisfied with his wife and has opted to have a “good time with you.” When you are together, he tells you how good you make him feel. But wait a minute.
There is no way he is going to commit to a future together with you. In her book: Being the Other Woman, Petra Falk Says there is much more to his marriage than just the wife.
Even though he is ready to fool around with you, he isn’t divorcing his wife any time soon. If he does, the kids would have no family to raise them, even though he doesn’t desire it.
Besides, marriage is a complicated relationship, and no matter how two partners differ, they may reconcile. If they do, then greatly disappointed.
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He Is a Cheater
He would not be with you if he were not cheating on his wife. Instead of dealing with the issues in his marriage, he chose the easy way out – cheating. Every relationship has problems.
According to relationship expert John Gottman, 70 percent of all issues in relationships are perpetual. So, what makes his relationship with you perfect? You will encounter problems.
Besides, you might get the answer to your prayers for the man to divorce his wife. Soon afterward, he may ask for your hand in marriage. A few months down the road, your relationship may enter into troubled waters.
How would the man behave if all he could do with his wife is cheating on you? Most likely, the man is going to run into the hands of another (younger) woman. Talk about having poetic justice!
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He is getting the Best of Both Worlds
In a relationship with a married man, only one person benefits – the man.
Given that the man is married, he can build his public persona around his wife, no matter how “bad” she might be. At the same time, the man can get whatever is missing in his marriage from you.
According to J. Matthews in his book: Dating a Married Man, it doesn’t matter how much he says he loves you. The man is having his cake and eating it at the same time while you’ve got nothing.
He cannot commit to you and would rather have nothing but a casual relationship. As for you, you have to contend with holding the short end of the stick. For how long can you withstand that?
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It Gets Tough Trying to Hide the Relationship
When dating a married man, you have to hide the wife’s fear of the relationship being discovered.
It is hard work in a relationship. For once, you have to communicate in secret. When you send a text message to him, it should be when his wife cannot catch it. Or, you might even be forced only to call him on his work telephone number.
When you go out for a date, it has to be top secret. He has told you how heart he would be if his wife found out about the relationship and you do not want to start a scandal.
As Henry Cloud says in his book: Boundaries in Dating, a married man’s relationship can be daunting. You have to hide the connection from your friends, family members, and virtually everyone lest the wife finds out.
On the contrary, it is easier if the man is unmarried as no one would be bothered with the two of you.
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He Disrespects His Wife
The fact that the man is in a relationship with you should how much he disrespects his wife. He prefers lying to her and pretending things are okay than asking for a divorce.
Apart from cheating on her, the man never seeks her opinion about something but makes unilateral decisions. He also insults her and takes her for granted. But the worst occurs when the man decides to cheat on her.
What makes you think he will respect you when he leaves his wife for you? Most likely, he has low self-esteem and considers himself to be superior to others. Or he suffered in a previous relationship and isn’t ready to remain fully committed to one woman.
Such a man cannot change just because he is with you. He is likely to project the bad behavior in future relationships, including the one with you. Therefore, you should steer clear from married men who have no qualms disrespecting their wives.
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He Is Bound to Lose Respect for You
Remember, in this relationship, only you who has sold yourself too short.
It doesn’t matter whether or not they pursued a relationship with you. The man could have said all the sweet nothings, making you feel good about yourself.
Throughout the relationship, he has always told you how wonderful you are. However, a time will come when he will lose respect for you. Why?
In her book: Healing From Infidelity, Michele Weiner-Davis says the man will see you as unworthy for selling yourself too short. “Why would a beautiful woman like you fall for a married man?” he would ask.
That may come later in the relationship when you are emotionally attached to him and unable to let go. Perhaps you are hoping that he would leave his wife and marry you.
However, the man isn’t ready to enter into another long-term relationship. All he wants is a casual affair in which he can have what he is missing in his marriage. So, out of the blue, he ends the relationship. What would you do?
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You are Only Kidding Yourself
Where can you go with a married man? Would he live his wife to marry you?
Unless you have decided to be a mistress for the rest of your life, dating a married man is a poisoned chalice. The man might reassure you how much you mean to him. He may tell you sweet nothings to keep you in the union.
Despite all of that, he might decide to stick in his “troubled” marriage. In that case, you’ve got no reason to stick in the relationship. After all, there is no way the relationship could become a sweet love story. It is not because he has an imperfect wife that he came for you.
Instead, as Alice Gardner says in her book: Healing from Infidelity, the man found someone easier in you. He wants to be less responsible and answer no questions. That’s why he is likely to leave you to work things out with his wife.
Also Related: 12 Things Wife Needs from Her Husband.
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You Are an Accomplice in Wrecking a Marriage
Of course, the main culprit in wrecking the marriage is the man.
For some reason, he has decided to cheat on his wife with you instead of making the marriage work. And you have agreed to aid him in breaking his vows to his wife.
He has told you how awful she is. Compared to the wife, you are an angel who could do nothing. All these are lies to entice you into sleeping with him.
As we saw earlier, every relationship has issues. Healthy marriages are those in which the partners decide to deal with their problems.
So, if the wife is so bad, why isn’t the man leaving her for you? In the final analysis, you are an accomplice in wrecking a marriage.
Furthermore, you might cause the children to suffer when their parents’ divorce each other. They will no longer have a father, and their understanding of a stable relationship would forever diminish.
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He Might Blame You for It
Picture this! The man’s wife learns of your relationship and confronts both of you.
Instead of the man taking responsibility for his actions, he decides to blame you for it. “She seduced me,” he says.
It doesn’t matter if he is the one who chased you. If the two work out things between them, you will become the culprit.
The man could even blame it on you to get close to his wife. If he is still married to her, you cannot write off their relationship.
Who knows – the connection might grow more robust when the two overcome difficulties such as the cheating incident involving you.
In her book: The Other Woman, Amina Pankey discusses the problem of being in a love triangle with a married man.
She says it is distressing when the man turns against you to patch up things with his wife. You will end up regretting why you ever decided to date a married man.
Conclusion
As we have seen above, dating a married man is not necessarily a good thing.
No matter how much you try to justify it, such a relationship only results in pain.
First of all, the man won’t commit to you because he is a cheater. Between you and him, he is having his cake and eating it.
Also, you have to work hard to hide the relationship. If the man disrespects his wife by cheating on you, he will undoubtedly lose respect for you.
Apart from kidding yourself, you are an accomplice in wrecking a marriage, and he might blame you for it. Is that a desirable situation in which you want to find yourself?
