Funny Marriage Quotes: #85 Will Knock Your Socks Off

By David Small •  Updated: 02/04/20 •  14 min read
Funny Marriage Quotes

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To be honest, quotes about lоvе аnd marriage tend tо bе vеrу rоmаntіс and ѕоmеtіmеѕ a bit soppy.

If уоu аrе a couple who brеаkѕ the wedding rules аnd lіkеѕ tо laugh and jоkе all the tіmе, thеn thеѕе ѕuреr funny marriage quotes and sayings аrе the реrfесt things for уоu tо іnсludе іn your wеddіng speeches оr еvеn оn уоur ѕаvе thе dаtе саrdѕ.

Here are 115 funny marriage quotes just for you.


1. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.—Socrates

2. The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes. —Anonymous

3. Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up. —Evelyn Hendrickson

4. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.—Erma Bombeck

5. Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them. — Anonymous

6. All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.—Raymond Hull

7. A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.— Michel de Montaigne

8. When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does. —Anonymous

9. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward. —Benjamin Franklin

10. Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock! —Zeenat Essa

11. If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears. —Sigmund Freud

12. A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. —Anonymous

13. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. —Rita Rudner

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14. Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. —Joey Adams

15. To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.—Ogden Nash

16. Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them. —Ogden Nash

17. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. —Albert Einstein

18. They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake. —Alexander Pope

19. Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. —Joseph Barth

20. He who marries a beautiful wife and he who plants corn by the roadside all have the same problem; insecurity. —Anonymous

21. There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. —André Maurois

22. Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents any more.― Thabang Gideon Magaola

23. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. ― James Holt McGavran

24. Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: You have to start over again every morning. ― H. Jackson Brown, Jr

25. A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.― Pawan Mishra, Coinman

nny quotes

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26. A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. ― Joyce Brothers

27. The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. – E. Joseph Cossman

28. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. ―Anonymous

29. A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.– Ralph Waldo Emerson

30. Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash. ―Anonymous

31. Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one. —Mae West

32. Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening. – Anonymous

33. An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. —Agatha Christie

34. Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates. ― Rory Elder

35. Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. – Billy Connolly

36. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. ― Zsa Zsa Gabor

37. Marriage is when a man and woman become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. ―Anonymous

38. Marriages are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail. ― Anonymous

Related Article: Habits of Happy Couples: #13 is Amazing Advice!.

39. Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time. ―Chris Rock

31. Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them. – Anonymous

32. A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it –Anonymous

33. What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his Birthday. – Cindy Garner

34. Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight. ―George Lichtenberg

35. Everyone is born equal in life until they get married. ―Anonymous

36. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. ―Henny Youngman

37. Marriage is like a besieged fortress: those on the outside want in, and those on the inside want out. ―Chinese proverb

38. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. – Anonymous

39. Being married means mostly shouting “What?” from other rooms – Anonymous

40. A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. – Milton Berle

41. Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serving you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland

42. Car Manufacturer’s formula for a successful marriage: Stick to one model! – Anonymous

43. Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it. –Gene Perret

44. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman

45. Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. – Alan King

46. Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory. – Abraham Lincoln

47. Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose. – Beverly Nichols

48. When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. – Helen Rowland

49. Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it. –Helen Rowland.

Marriage Quotes:

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50. When a man goes down on his knees to ask a woman to marry him, and she says yes, he remains on his knees forever. – Anonymous

51. The proper basis for marriage is a mutual misunderstanding. –Oscar Wilde

52. Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him go. –Martin Luther

53. Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own. –Eddie Cantor

54. Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed. –Oscar Wilde

55. Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word. –Janet Periat

56. The woman cries before the wedding and the man after. –Polish Proverb

57. Happy marriage is when one-half snores and the other one does not hear it. – Anonymous

58. A married couple are well suited when both partners usually feel the need for a quarrel at the same time. – Anonymous

59. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. –Ann Bancroft

60. Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot. –Minnie Pearl

61. When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason – there’s a reason. –Molly McGee

62. Marriage is not a word, but a sentence. – Anonymous

63. Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution? –Groucho Marx

64. Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.–Jean Kerr

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65. Listening to wife is like reading the terms & conditions of website. You understand nothing, but still, you say: ‘I agree!’ – Anonymous

66. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. –David Bissonette

67. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. – Anonymous

68. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip

69. A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it. – John Steinbeck

70. I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it. -Lyndon B. Johnson

71. Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. –Irwin Corey

72. All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. —Red Skelton

73. Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night. —St. Jerome

74. Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. —G. K. Chesterton

75. Marriage is a workshop… where the husband works and the wife shops. – Anonymous

Funny Marriage Quotes

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76. The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast. —Gabriel García Márquez

77. If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother. —Sam Levenson

78. Getting married is easy. Staying married is more difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime should rank among the fine arts. –Roberta Flack

79. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.  Order what you want then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. –Michel de Montaigne

80. You don’t marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as a result of being married to you. –Richard Needham

81. Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. –Rita Rudner

82. There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will. –Robert Frost

83. Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner. – Jerry Seinfeld

84. Your wife won’t start an argument with you if you’re busy cleaning. – Anonymous

85. When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad. –Helen Rowland

86. Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either your money or life… Wives want both! – Anonymous

87. Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join. – Elbert Hubbard

88. Getting married is like being in drama school. You get to practice everything from comedy to melodrama to tragedy. Congratulations. – Anonymous

89. A word which should be pronounced “mirage”. –Herbert Spencer

90. Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

91. The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him. -Oscar Wilde

92. For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. –Catherine Zeta-Jones

93. The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters. –Harold Nicolson

94. No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. –Honore de Balzac

95. In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker. –Woody Allen

96. That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. –Bill Cosby

97. Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them. –Jefferson Machamer

98. A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it. –Donald M. Fraser

99. What’s for dinner is the only question many husbands ask their wives and the only one to which they care about the answer. –Mignon McLaughlin

100. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. – Helen Rowland


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101. Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk. –Mignon McLaughlin

102. Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole. –John Mortimer

103. A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores. – Terry Pratchett

104. The older theory was, marry an older man because they’re more mature. But the new theory is men don’t mature. Marry a younger one. – Rita Rudner

105. After the chills and fever of love, how nice is the 98.6 degrees of marriage? –Mignon McLaughlin

106. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. -Rodney Dangerfield

107. A husband’s last words should always be, OK buy it. – Anonymous

108. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -Jimmy Durante

109. My husband and I have never considered divorce. Murder sometimes, but never divorce. –Joyce Brothers

110. If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books. –Alan King

111. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. –Oscar Wilde

112. Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked. – Anonymous

113. As soon as you find the one to marry, just shut up and → listen. – Anonymous

114. No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. – Anonymous

115. No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. – Anonymous

116. In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find, grounds for marriage. – Robert Anderson


Finally, marriage tаkеѕ lоtѕ оf work, but thаt dоеѕn’t mеаn уоu саn’t find the humor іn іt. Lіkе аnу rеlаtіоnѕhір dynamic, marriage has іtѕ ԛuіrkѕ.

Get a gооd lаugh wіth the соllесtіоn оf funny marriage quotes above.

David Small

is the founder and editor of relationshiptips4u. He is a dating, marriage & relationship coach, speaker, and author. Learn more about him here and connect with him on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.
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