16 Signs Your Sex Life Needs Improving

By David Small •  Updated: 05/23/17 •  14 min read

Sex life! Do you have any? Or is your sex life as awesome as the Ferrari you don’t own? Well, yes! You certainly love your sexual partner.

No questions asked! Despite that, your sex life doesn’t seem to be thriving, yes? Is this your current predicament? Worry Not! It can be salvaged! Allow the words of Eri Kardos, a worldwide well-renowned relationship coach add to your wisdom.Sex Life

In her book “Relationship Agreements”, Eri Kardos encourages couples to work on growing their love. Couples should grow their love concurrently growing their sex life. That’s how you keep the intimacy!

Sounds great yes? You too can experience that intimacy! The prerequisite for a vastly fulfilled sex life is giving it your 100%.  Talk about everything with your partner. Accept each other and ask questions. Be a great team player. Avoid diving into conclusions and being judgmental.  Be open enough when it comes to your

Be open enough when it comes to your sex life. Invest in your relationship! That’s the wiser move! It’s guaranteed to launch you into an incredible sex life. So, how do you know your sex life needs immediate improving?

Read on! Below are the 16 Signs Your Sex Life Needs Improving tips the will help you transform your sex life.

Related Article on how to Improve your Sex Life

  1. Constant Rejection and appreciation deficiency

Remember the last time your partner appreciated you sexually? You must have felt pretty great to be loved, wanted and complimented sexually yes? Now imagine feeling that way constantly. Pure bliss! It’s achievable!  Emily Nagoski Ph.D., the New York best seller of “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex” proves it! According to Emily, Mindfulness when it comes to sex is paramount.

Learn to live with your partner in the “here and moment”. You must accept your partner for who they. It would be awesome if they were your version of perfect, but well, they are who they are! That’s what makes them perfect, no explanations required! If you don’t uproot constant rejection and gratitude deficiency in your sex life, declaring it as a landmark is an unfortunate fate that awaits you! You wouldn’t want that now, would you?

  1. When the deal is too sweet…!

You’ll know your sex life requires immediate improving when everything sexually is “Perfect”!  Tim LaHaye states this in his book “The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love”. Despite turning 60 years, a couple still has things to work on sexually. That’s how you know your sex life is on the healthy lawn.

Learn to express your sexual wants openly. Be patient enough with your partner. Give them time to learn. Better yet, teach them what and how you like it sexually. Samantha Litzinger Kristina Coop Gordon in the journal “Exploring Relationships among Communication, Sexual Satisfaction, and Marital Satisfaction” Concur.

Communication is how your sex life soars. Talk, learn, and implement patience and required changes in your sex life. You at least owe it that much don’t you think? Next time you’re thinking “I’m a stallion in bed”, Stop! Put your ego aside and ask your partner if they’d like you to do something differently. Or probably add something new. High chances are, they will say yes.  Communicate!  The road to sexual perfection between couples is always under construction.


  1. Constant use of the term “I, You, Me”

Do you often find yourself using the terms above in your conversations? A study done by Robert Levenson and others at the University of California determined that a sign your sex life needs improving.  According to them, the use of “We” acts as a great marital glue.

The feeling of being part of a team is a game changer for couples. “We” reassures your partner, you’re in it together. This is unlike using “You” or “me” which is a clear sign of division. Next time you find yourself using “you or me”, immediately replace it with “We”.  Keeping doing that! An incredibly loving and generous sex life will then inevitable.

  1. Ingratitude

In a study carried out on 77 heterosexual and monogamous couples, gratitude was proven to improve a couple’s sex life.  Apparently, it’s sexy and a major turn on to your spouse whenever you use grateful phrases like “thank You! That was great! And you’re wonderful, among others.

In case your partner has been sexually resistant the past few days, check your gratitude attitude. It could be what’s drowning your sex life. Fortunately, there is a 3-day simple gratitude plan you can use.

Day 1: On this first day, your task is simple! List down three amazing traits of your better half and focus on them all day simple, yes? Now implement that!

Day 2: What about your spouse drive you crazy? Identify the top 3. Accept that your spouse too is human and forgive them for their imperfections.

Day 3: Congratulations! You’re closer to a more grateful you. Day 3 entails kindness. The challenge is to ensure your words are kind. Yes! This is irrespective of whether your spouse deserves the kind words or not.  Motivation: The resultant intimacy is worth it!

Use this 3day gratitude plan as your sex life cleanser. Every once in a while, when things get heated up, start your day 1 gratitude plan immediately! That way, all the negative feelings are replaced with positive and loving ones. That’s how you strengthen and spice up your sex life, your intimacy!

  1. What’s your Negative/ positive ratio?

Think About your sex life! Reflecting on it, do the positives outweigh the negatives? If no, your sex life requires immediate improvement. For accurate results, write down the positives and negatives of your sex life. You should have at least 3 positives to 1 negative. Worry not if your negatives are higher. Now that you know, you have a chance to fix it! This article will come in handy.


  1. Inability to keep it fresh!

When was the last time you did something spontaneous with your partner? Remember the last time you did something simple, affordable, creative and special to your partner? See how you’re sabotaging your sex life?  Monogamy only becomes boring when you allow it! With the emerging technological advancements and worldwide development, there are so many new things you could indulge in as a couple.

The adrenaline and thrill that comes with trying new things as a couple has a way of reflecting positively on your sex life. That is how you keep your love and sexual flame burning.  Diversity and adventure! The art of Seduction by Robert Greene is a great read. It will give you fresh seduction ideas that will leave your spouse wanting more and more of you throughout the decades.

  1. Seriousness

Relax! It’s truly never that serious! Your spouse should be your playmate, confidant, lover and best friend. They should be the first people you want to let know when something crazy and funny happens during the day. You only have this lifetime to love one another! Seriousness will only weigh you down.

Whenever the mood gets tense, try playing a game. According to the book “Sex position Coloring book: Playtime for couples”, couples that play different sexual games strengthen their sexual lives. It gives the feeling, thrill, and oneness in sex.

Considering your spouse is human, he/she is bound to say irritating things with time. Don’t take them too personally and seriously! If you can, try making a joke out of it. Laugh it out! But remember to also make it known if your feelings were hurt in the process. Getting defensive only increases the intensity of the situation. A robot like sexual encounter is then the result.

If you’re too uptight with your better half, consider loosening up with games. Lynne Stanton the author of “Sexy Truth or Dare: pick -A-Stick” book supplement concurs that games are effective in loosening up an uptight relationship. Up to the challenge? Why not try it out?

  1. Congestion

Do you feel overcrowded? Like you’ve lost your individuality? Like there is no room to exhale? That’s a sign your sex life needs improving. You should talk it out with your partner. You could use Arthur Schopenhauer porcupine’s explanation to help your spouse understand what you’re going through. When it’s freezing, porcupines tend to stick close to each other for warmth purposes.

When it comes to your sex life, congestion is a No! No! As much as closeness is highly encouraged, couples should learn to give each other some breathing time. It’s good for exhaling, rejuvenating and becoming one with you. That way, no one feels pricked by the “spines” of the other despite the closeness.

  1. Lack of physical affection will destroy your sex life

Physical affection is vital in your sex life! In today’s fast-paced world, physical affection can be dismissed as a luxury!  But it is not! To optimize your sex life, kissing, hugging and holding hands should be served with your cup of coffee or tea.

Daily! A Fulfilling sex life is considered among the major marital glues. It takes intimacy to another deep level. The Feel good hormones, reduced stress and better blood circulation among others, are achieved when physical affection is implemented.

Let yourself be challenged by Christopher Ryan in his best-selling book “Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships”. This greatly written, mind provocative book will challenge everything you think you knew about your sex life. Lack of physical affection is the major sex bummer.

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  1. AAA

Living together will inevitably see you upset each other. The AAA approach is easily explained by Mira Kirshenbaum, the psychotherapist, and author of the “weekend marriage”. Using this approach ensures you easily bounce back on the good side of your partner.

AAA simply means making a promise to take Action, be Affectionate and Apologetic.  If you are the one in the wrong, using the AAA approach means you’ll:

Try implementing this approach in your relationship.  It has been proven to work efficiently unlike stirring up anger with a negative reaction. Your sex life will thank you!

  1. Focusing on the negative

Do you constantly focus on the negative aspects of your partner? Stop! It’s slowly strangling your sex life!  Dr. Terri Orbuch has been conducting a study of couples since 1986.  As a specialist, she highly recommends you focus on the positives instead.  That way, chances of strengthening your sex life are increased.

Whenever you have to point out your partner’s flaws, Dr. Terri Orbuch recommends doing so lovingly and empathetically. Use kind words like “Honey, a messy house stresses me up, what can we do to improve that? “ Remember, you’re a team. Work together to improve each other’s weaknesses! You’ll love the resultant intimacy and incredibly active sex life.

  1. Lacking a Ritual

Have you drifted away from your partner the last couple of weeks, months or years? Well, it’s time you considered implementing a ritual in your relationship. Rita DeMaria and Sari Harrar, renowned authors of the book  7 Stages of Marriage: Laughter, Intimacy and Passion Today, Tomorrow, Forever  highly encourage couples to have rituals.

You can customize your relationship with simple rituals like taking walks together, taking breakfast together or following specific TV series together. That’s how you build your intimacy concurrently strengthening your sex life. Having a ritual simply draws you closers to your better half in all ways including sexually.

  1. Blabbering words carelessly!

Words, when used carelessly without considering your partner’s feelings are dangerous! They are like weeds on the farm. If not uprooted immediately, they will destroy a prospectively great relationship.  Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D. psychologist, researcher, and author of the book the Seven Principals of making marriage work recommends thoughtfulness.

This is especially so whenever you’re tackling a topic that could be sensitive to your partner. Choose your words carefully so as to build rather than damage your spouse. Ensure you replace the inconsiderate words with the kind ones before retiring to bed. That way, your sex life is salvaged.

  1. Inconsiderate, self-centered actions

Your spouse is your better half!  Strive to make her/him feel exactly that! Be considerate! When you go shopping, pick her/him a surprise gift. That way, they feel wanted. Feeling wanted and loved has a way of strengthening sexual intimacy.  Other ideas of selfless actions you can implement include:

An improved sex life evolves from small consistent gestures that show ‘I Want You”. Treat your partner like you’d treat yourself if not better. Emily Nagoski Ph.D.  in her book continues to say how day to actions are significant to every couple. They are determinants of your sex life.


  1. Fighting unjustly will affect your Sex Life

Sex life fights are bound to occur eventually. You’ve probably had several by now, yes? How did you tackle them? Eri Kardos encourages couples to go into fights looking for a solution. Instead of condemning, wanting to be even or being in control, let the fight take a different angle.

One that will improve your sex life!  When it comes to your better half, her success equals your success and vice versa. It’s a partnership, not a competition! So, how will you ensure you are fighting justly?  Below are some tips.

A team that sets goals together is often more likely to succeed unlike a team setting individual goals. It’s a “we” scenario. You could have better ideas that seek to achieve both your goals, hence the importance of goal setting together. There is more to setting goals together. Setting goals together also mean:

The more goals you set together, the more you’ll reap from your sex life. The bliss that comes with achieving your goals as a team will reflect on your thrilling sex life. Amazingly, research backs up this notion. Start working on your life goals as a couple. Remember whom you become as a couple while achieving your mutual goals is what’s important.


What have you been doing that has resulted in your dull sex life? To improve it, you’ll need to pull up your sleeves and allow your hands to get dirty. That’s how you plant the seed of sexual intimacy in your relationship.

Now that you know your sex life needs improving, start working on it immediately! Choose to experience the best of your sex life by following the tips above. What seems petty to you could mean the world to your partner. Therefore, avoid dismissing things as petty.

Strive to improve your sex life by ensuring your relationship experiences its best version emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically and sexually.  Communication is vital; always keep its doors open. Enjoy your spouse; enjoy the company and the person they are. Optimum sexual intimacy will always be yours for the taking.

David Small

is the founder and editor of relationshiptips4u. He is a dating, marriage & relationship coach, speaker, and author. Learn more about him here and connect with him on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

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