How to Be a Great Lover: 15 Proven Ways

By David Small •  Updated: 04/27/20 •  16 min read

Everyone likes to come out as a great lover – and so do you. You want to satisfy your partner sexually and to get satisfied in the process.

Photo by Radu Florin on Unsplash

The problem is that not many people understand what great lovemaking is. No wonder there is such a huge gap between men and women when it comes to sexual satisfaction.

A 2017 study notes that 65 percent of heterosexual women get an orgasm compared to 95 percent of men.

Clearly, there is a reason for concern, especially as concerns the sexual satisfaction gap among women. Either the women aren’t doing the right, or the men have no idea how to be a great lover.

Luckily, that’s what we are addressing in this article.


How Can I Become A Great Lover?

That is a question that every man needs to ask himself. How do you make sure you are on the same page with your partner sexually?

Writing in Psychology Today, journalist Michael Castleman, M.A. Says the man has to be conscious of his approach.

Castleman suggests the man should take at least 30 minutes touching and caressing the woman all over her body. With that, the woman will have an excellent lovemaking experience and making it possible for you to also enjoy sex.

Another strategy is to involve the whole body. Castleman says you shouldn’t just concentrate on the genitals.

Accordingly, he suggests that 60 percent of the sexual process should be on the entire body. Genital sex should take up only 40 percent. Also, try clitoral stimulation.

What Makes A Great Lover?

A great lover doesn’t only seek his own sexual satisfaction, but also that of his or her lover. However, that has nothing to do with the physicality of sex.

As Judith Orloff MD suggests in The Ecstasy of Surrender, what matters is the level of emotional connection. She calls it emotional intimacy or the instinctive need to connect with a lover, feel comfortable, and be known.

The presence of emotional intimacy is what differentiates “physical sex” from lovemaking. But you cannot have emotional intimacy if you don’t care, share feelings, or exhibit a sense of vulnerability.

According to Orloff, the following is what makes a great lover:

With that simple list of bullet points, what keeps you from being a good lover? Are you constrained in time? Are inhibited, self-centered, or lacking in technique?

If you cannot be fully immersed in the current moment, there is no way you will become a good lover.

Luckily, we have compiled easy-to-follow points to help you in your journey of self-discovery.

Here is how to be a great lover in 15 proven ways.

Great lover

Photo by Ryan Jacobson on Unsplash

  1. Plan All Your Encounters

If you aren’t careful, you may find yourself lacking time to be with your partner.

Perhaps both of you are busy in your careers. Or, time gets consumed by mundane unplanned activities like watching too much television.

One way you can learn how to be a great lover is scheduling days when you can just be two of you. We are not suggesting that you leave your home.

The important thing is that you will be having some sex. When you plan to make love, you create anticipation and pique interest. Again, it doesn’t have to be in a hotel room.

A couple of hours in the evening, morning, or afternoon can make a big difference. You may avoid all other activities and concentrate on being romantic with each other.

If you do that frequently, you will discover you are growing closer to each other.

Related Article: 12 Ways To Become More Sexually Active.

  1. Be In Tune with Yourself

Before an encounter with your partner, you need to have a good idea about what you want. Do you have any specific expectations from your partner?

Even so, are you ready for sex? Great lovemaking comes as a result of a profound expression of who you are deep inside. That has to coincide with the truth represented by your partner.

Author Alexandra H Solomon Ph.D. calls it sexual self-awareness. Having it will help you understand why you are having sex in the first place.

Is it because you have a spontaneous desire or responsive desire. According to Alexandra, instinctive desire is shallow since it represents how great it feels to have sex right now.

Responsive desire, on the other hand, is relational and based on environmental cues.

You will not rush into lovemaking but will take time to heighten pleasure for both of you. It is also essential to learn what turns you on. With that, you will learn how to interact with your partner.

  1. Make Changes to Your Routine

Partners who have been in relationships for longer tend to establish patterns that define how and when they have sex. Have you fallen into a similar routine?

Some have to wait until they go to bed to initiate sex. By that time, they are sleepy and too tired to have a meaningful lovemaking session. The result is the total lack of sex for more extended periods or mere shallow encounters.

According to researcher Marta Meana, routine in a relationship breeds predictability, which kills sexual desire among women. That is the reason you should introduce changes to your routine.

Nothing major – just manageable activities like showering together for a start. Start with a massage or light a scented candle. Wear a surprisingly naughty outfit to bed.

No matter how small the changes, the end result should be to create a sense of excitement in your love life. If you must change the venue. Book a hotel room on the weekend to be a better lover.

  1. Prolong the Foreplay Session

Foreplay is essential in ensuring greater sexual satisfaction for both partners. However, foreplay is especially important for women.

Psychosexual therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer says women take longer to be aroused to a level that enables them to experience orgasm. It is different for men who get an erection by merely thinking about sex.

The purpose of foreplay is to prepare the mind as well as the body for sex. It can be done in different ways, including touching, hugging, kissing, and caressing. Without this, the woman may not be able to climax during the encounter.

According to a 2018 research study, very few women can climax as a result of intercourse alone. You or your partner may not fall in that category, which is reason enough to take time in the foreplay session.

In the end, your partner will learn to reciprocate, making your relationship even more robust.

  1. Slow It Down

Do you want to know how to be a great lover? Relax! In that regard, we are not just talking about slowing down physically but also mentally and emotionally. With a relaxed mind, it is possible to better enjoy the journey.

The opposite of a relaxed mind is obviously a stressed one. Writing for The Gottman Institute, Maj Wisman says stress has an effect on sex drive for both genders.

When stressed, individuals tend to experience hormonal changes that may affect their sex drive. The most important sex hormone that suffers, as a result, is testosterone.

Given its importance in determining sex drive in both men and women, dipped production of testosterone is a cause for concern. That takes us back to the original point.

Learn to slow down, especially on the mental front. That will enable you to forget any other issues you might have and concentrate only in the present moment. The result is a more fulfilling lovemaking session.

  1. Try out New Sex Positions

Many people tend to get used to one sex position. Every day of their lives, they cannot and won’t try out anything novel.

That’s a big mistake! According to relationship expert, Jane Greer, Ph.D. new sex positions tend to prolong intercourse.

According to her, the sex position you try should make it easier to engage in lovemaking. And, it comes with several advantages.

Men can last longer, thus increasing the chances of the women getting the satisfaction they are looking for. Forget about the usual missionary position.

Getting used to one sex style only makes your body to anticipate climax sooner than usual. We all know that climaxing too early doesn’t make you a great lover, does it?

So, try lots of different styles every time you make love. According to Dr. Greer, it gets even better if it is awkwardly unfamiliar.

  1. Spread It Out

Do you know how to be a great lover? If you don’t, then you should know that compressing a sexual encounter into one afternoon can be detrimental. Say, you have arranged to meet with your partner in a hotel room.

You have only a couple of hours to finish what you have to do and move back to the office. As enticing as having a quickie is, it doesn’t make you a great lover.

A better strategy is to spread it out. You may start out by caressing, hugging, kissing, and so on. When you are just about to have intercourse, call it off. Arrange to meet later in the evening to finish what you had started.

The waiting period in between will heighten the desire you have for each other. It will prepare you for an encounter like no other. In the end, you will realize that sex doesn’t have to happen in an instant.

Related Article: How To Please A Man In Bed:17 Proven Ways.

  1. Start Exercising Frequently

Exercising is hailed as the best way to improve your health. In addition to that, it can also turn you into a great lover.

Existing scientific evidence suggests that exercising helps men to enhance sexual function and to suffer no sexual dysfunction. So, if you want to know how to be a great lover, you should start exercising sooner than later.

However, you have to be very selective about the exercises you engage in. For example, cardiovascular exercises are known to strengthen the heart, improve the flow of blood, and fight erectile dysfunction.

You may want to start small with activities such as walking before you start jogging. Core training exercises help strengthen your core muscles. They include pushups, planks, and abdominal crunches.

If you do these exercises regularly, you will tone up your core muscles and last longer during intercourse. Don’t forget pelvic floor exercises such as Kegels, which can help improve your overall sexual function.

  1. Learn How to Practice Edging

Only the men can try “edging.” Edging involves taking advantage of the “near-orgasm” point (also called “ejaculatory inevitability”).

Instead of going the full hog and climaxing, the man stands down for about a minute before picking up. Men would tell you how hard it is to hold back when the climax is fast-approaching.

However, doing so can prolong intercourse, leave the woman sexually satisfied, and the man with an intense orgasm. It is a win-win situation. As he waits, the man may keep touching the woman.

It is a good way of learning how to be a great lover without trying too much. And you don’t have to do it only once. In a single session, you can try it three times or more. Unless you have a reason to be in a hurry.

This method can help you to prolong the session to 20 minutes or more. If your partner doesn’t have an orgasm within that time, then there is a problem.

  1. Have More Eye Contact

You may wonder how simple eye contact is going to turn you into a great lover. What if you were asked to try something harder?

While eye contact may not help you to build your sexual stamina, it provided feedback to both of you. The best way to use it is to signal synchronization.

When you have eye contact with your partner, you show you respect him or her. You understand and have an interest in them beyond what’s happening physically.

Eye contact helps you to build a connection stronger than the physical. Writing for, Theresa Kirkby says the greatest sex you can have is while looking in each other’s eyes.

According to her, keeping eye contact is an intimate thing that enables lovers to share much more than the physical. Eye contact enables one to take a peek right into the partner’s soul. It gets even more special when done during lovemaking.

  1. Talk to Your Partner

Every couple has issues emanating from their encounters in bed. The problem is that very few talk about these issues with the view of finding a solution. When left unaddressed, issues to do with intimacy can fester and become huge problems. Worst of all, they can lead to divorce. That’s why you should talk about any issues you may be having.

If you would like your partner to last longer, why don’t you tell him about it? Perhaps you want more foreplay. Whatever issues you may have, make sure you talk about them. Yet, many people are inclined towards avoiding mentioning sexual issues.

According to UzmaRehma – a Canadian psychologist – couples would rather talk about non-sexual problems. They would rather keep their sexual fantasies to themselves than bring them on the discussion table.

What they don’t know is that voicing these issues will help them to relate better with each other. They will learn more about the other partner’s needs and work towards fulfilling them.

  1. Build Self-Confidence

When it comes to sex, building self-confidence can help you to be the greatest lover you can. Self-confidence is about believing you deserve what you have.

The Huffington Post calls it sexual self-esteem. It defines how you feel about your body, for example. Most people are so anxious about their bodies to have any meaningful sexual encounters.

Perhaps you feel fat or unattractive. Or, ugly. Any feelings that take away your self-confidence is enough to weaken your sexual experiences. So, take time to reflect on exactly how you feel.

What parts of your body do you dislike the most? Are you influenced by magazines, people’s opinions, and the like? Once you are aware of your feelings, you will start thinking differently. With that, you will know how to become a great lover.

You also need to redefine your sexual narrative – the stories you have heard about sex. Another area of focus is to find out what sex really means to you. Is it a mere physical encounter? Or is it defined by love?

  1. Compliment Your Partner

One thing you need to learn is how to compliment your partner for the big and small things.

In line with that, Dr. John Gottman recommends that you follow the 5 to 1 rule in your relationship. That means canceling out every negative thing with five positive ones.

You may compliment your partner about virtually anything – even the small things. Give a positive affirmation about their passions.

Help him or her work on their dreams, even if they are divergent from yours. Tell her how much you love her looks. Your partner needs to know the kind of attraction you have towards him or her.

Find out what makes them feel insecure and compliment them about it. That way, you will help to build your partner’s self-esteem. If your partner makes you feel special, tell him or her about it.

The constant act of complimenting your partner will eliminate worry from the equation. Importantly, it will help you to learn how to be a great lover.

Related Article: How To Satisfy Your Man In Bed Tonight.

  1. Amplify the Desire Always

Do you do a special thing for your partner only when you want something in return? That’s not a good strategy.

Instead, you should learn to do simple things that maintain the fire between the two of you. Give her a hot kiss without expecting sexual favors.

Ask her out on a romantic date. Buy her an expensive piece of jewelry. Make sure to surprise her with something new from time to time. It is not enough to tell her you love her. Show it by your actions, and you will be a great lover.

When the time comes to have sex, it is going to be more meaningful than before. After all, your small actions would have paved the way for you.

  1. Total Surrender

It doesn’t sound correct, right? As much as it is misunderstood by many, total surrender is necessary for a truly fulfilling sexual encounter.

We are talking about the ability to just let go. If you were good at lovemaking, you would become great. You don’t have to be in control all the time.

Learn to surrender both physically and emotionally. Writing for Psychology Today, Aaron Ben-Zeev, Ph.D., calls it sexual submissiveness. It is the same thing as being naked in bed.

You have bared it all to your partner. So, you have nothing to hide. Let go of your inhibitions. Get ready to explore everything it takes to make you a great lover.

If you don’t, you will come out like someone who wants sex with clothes on. Impossible! You cannot become a great lover if you stick to what you know.


In less than 3000 words, we have shown you how to be a great lover. While most of these strategies depend on you, others require the concerted efforts of both partners.

Once you embark on this journey, you should be prepared to keep learning new things every day. It is a life-long quest and not just a one-off thing.

Staying committed is what will distinguish you from a great lover. As you keep making great love, your relationship will also grow in leaps and bounds. Let’s get going!

David Small

is the founder and editor of relationshiptips4u. He is a dating, marriage & relationship coach, speaker, and author. Learn more about him here and connect with him on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.
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